13 confessions made by the Punchman, after being subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques

1. It was never me operating Jack Ketch. I let someone else do it. Never saw his face. He smelt of burning oil.

2. I stole from the kids' parents. While they watched the show, I sent my mates round to pick their pockets.

3. I gave the arresting officers nightmares. It was easy. Once they'd looked me in the eye I had them.

4. I made Punch commit his crimes.

5. On the night of the fire I hid behind the burger van and got wasted.

6. I started the fire. I started all the fires. I'm an anarchist Prometheus.

7. I am the Bird King.

8. My nanobots took down Big Ben.

9. I called myself Insom and issued mp3 tracks that put listeners into comas.

10. I wrote poems that eroded reality.

11. The Plague of Moths was my idea.

12. I force-fed Mr Punch an uncooked black pudding.

13. I hijacked the ONEIROSCOPE and turned dreams against the dreamers.