by Glen Binger
I am a scavenger. I sit on the telephone wire, a ravenous vulture watching a man and a woman arguing across the street. The clouds remind me of ashy marshmallows I found in a fire pit yesterday. The woman starts violently shoving the man; he stumbles backwards. I am not sure if I feel bad for the man or not. I am a scavenger with emotions. The woman keeps saying, “That isn't what happened.” I don't know what they are fighting about but I want to know, so I perch on the wire for a while. I am a curious scavenger. I feel spiders webbing webs in between my legs. An hour goes by and the man and woman are still arguing; the woman is still pushing the man, and he keeps stumbling backwards closer to the street. A car is coming, driving quickly. I don't think it can see the couple arguing. I feel anger towards the woman in defense of the man. I am a guardian scavenger. Finally, as the car is about to pass, the woman pushes the man harder than before; she doesn't see the car. He trips backwards, head landing in front of the passenger-side tire, popping as if it were a balloon being sat on. The woman gets spattered and looks shocked. She flees. The car slams on its brakes, realizes what happened and speeds away. I fly down to devour the remnants of the body. I am a hungry scavenger, tired of waiting.
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A short 250 word piece. I'm looking for some feedback/critique if anyone would like to send some. It's my first published story on Fictionaut.
i like the voyeurism here, the main character watching, but the scavenger metaphor is too heavy. try subtlizing (not a real word, but it should be) it all, making him watch out his window, taking out all pronouncements about being a scavenger. just let him watch these people and let the reader figure out what he is. i think, with pieces like this, it's not so much about the "I" character, it's about how the "I" constructs/creates the life of the people he's watching. you've got a bit of that here, but i'd let it all rest in the way he views these two others.
Thank you, Alan. I see what you are saying. I read it over again and I could definitely tell how obscure it seems. I'll work on it. Thanks!
Glen, this is good and I agree with Alan's prescient comments all the way around. In the penultimate sentence I'd change "car" to "car's driver". Also, an hour seems like a long time for a couple to be fighting outside. Then when you say "still pushing" immediately after it ... literally it could be read that she's been pushing him for an entire hour. I know that's not what you mean but I'd tighten that part. Good work overall.
Shit, not the penultimate line ... the one before it (the penultimate penultimate?)
Glen, no problem. i'll look forward to seeing it again.
Thanks, David. I see what you are saying. I'm going to fix it some more.
Sure thing, Glen. It's a solid piece of work, no doubt. Good to be in touch.