by Emily Sparkles
Protecting my pack
A vulnerable predator In my dimly lit den
An introversion uncharged A cage A body unable
To process Its skin prickling with hives
Brave face, indiscernible glistening eyes.
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With proper punctuation and a new first stanza, it could be something elegant, poignant, and worthwhile. The first stanza is DOA, however.
Like! And also it resonates. *
This is strong work, Emily. Perhaps the whole poem in couplets?
Something like this:
I am a vulnerable predator in my dimly-lit den
my body a cage for feelings
skin prickling with hives
unable to separate emotions
indiscernible glistening eyes
Brussels and war
and problems too big to solve
hiding my wounds
protecting my pack
The poem has power and many strong lines. I'd play around with it a bit.
"I am a vulnerable predator in my dimly-lit den
My body a cage for feelings that fight.
Protecting my pack,
Hiding my wounds. "
The ending seems to be where all the heart is--it's the poem without all the trappings. I like it!
I agree the ending has the guts of this. But being naive of craft I shan't suggest any changes. *
*"taxes and babies and now
Brussels and war"