Level Three Offender

by Dennis Hiatt

No officer, my mother had a double mastoidectomy the

year before I was born. No one can tell me that was good for

my hormone ebulliences.  When I was a kid my water was

fluoridated and I watched, by mistake only, the American

Medical Association legalized Queers. Pre-natally I think my

Momma drank whisky and I know she smoked. And.....

     Okay!  Here is what REALLY happened. I was pulled over

by the Cops because I was too short. Like I was twelve or


     Okay! Okay! I was driving real slow because I was

worrying about AIDs and I AM real short. Not REAL short when

I sit on my wallet and around kids I'm pretty big.

     Kids have more money than you'd guess. Taste to, a lot

of them like my Jag.

     OK-ay! I heard you!

     Here I was driving real slow because I was deeply

troubled, worrying about like what if whales REALLY had souls

and our Lord Jesus liked them better than people and Japs!

HELL yes Japs.....

     Huh? I said AIDs?.....Well I haven't got to that part


     Play ground?....No...I don't think there was one near.

....Well I didn't see it.

     Garbage bags and dope in the trunk?....I have no clue

how the ALLEGED garbage bags got, SO-CALLED, in my trunk.

     Sure the dope was mine. I need it to retain a positive

outlook on life.  You would to, if you were short.

     ALLEGED children in the garbage bags??

     Piss! Planted by the Cops if they were there at all.

     No that was joke. Like IF the Cops were there at all.

I'm here aren't I?

     So it wasn't funny. My mother had a double....

     How would I know why the dead children didn't have

cloths on?

     I don't know what kind of monster would hammer something

that big in their little....say did you guys take pictures?

     Hey, I just remembered, I never had vitamins growing up


     SO?  What search warrant did you have?

     Justifiable cause? Because I'm short and was driving

slow near a school?

     Well those children don't have to worry about vitamins,

now do they?

     What do you mean dope in the front seat. I always keep

my dope in the trunk. I mean hey, children DO steal.

     Bullshit! The cops planted it, after...

     That's a damn lie! I wouldn't let the little bastards

near my dope!

     Oh Man!  You're treating me just like one of those

priest in El Salvador.  Why don't you just take me out and

shoot me?

     Man you gotta believe me! The cops planted that fuck'n

dope in my front seat!

     Fuck America! Fuck You! You lieing fucking pig!