Forum / Life Alert

• 
  Chris Okum

  Sep 06, 06:11am

  "Hello, this is Life Alert."
  "Help."
  "I'm sorry, but I couldn't hear you."
  "Help. Help me."
  "And what seems to be the problem today?"
  "Help me."
  "Yes, this is Life Alert. How may I assist you?"
  "I've fallen."
  "And you can't get up, right?"
  "I can't get up."
  "Yes, of course."
  "Help."
  "Did you lose consciousness?"
  "I don't know."
  "Well, after you fell, did everything go black?"
  "Help."
  "I said, did everything go black?"
  "Help me."
  "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to stop using that tone of voice with me."
  "I think. I think I broke my hip."
  "You think you broke your hip?"
  "Yes."
  "Are you a doctor?"
  "I need a doctor. Help."
  "No, that's not what I asked you. I asked you if you were a doctor?"
  "No. No. I'm not a doctor."
  "Then how do you know if you broke your hip?"
  "I think I broke my hip."
  "I don't see how you could know that, ma'am."
  "Help me."
  "Is there anyone else in the house with you?"
  "I'm all alone."
  "You live alone?"
  "Yes. Yes. I live alone. Oh my God."
  "Ma'am, I'm going to have to hang up on you if you're going to insist on taking the Lord's name in vain."
  "There's no one here. I slipped on some hummus."
  "On some what?"
  "Hummus. On some hummus."
  "Where was the hummus?"
  "On the floor."
  "And what was it doing on the floor?"
  "I don't know. My hip. I think, I think it's shattered."
  "You didn't see the hummus on the floor?"
  "No. I was watching some television and then I got up to use the bathroom."
  "What were you watching?"
  "What? What? Please. Help me."
  "What were you watching on the television, ma'am?"
  "I don't know. A movie. With that man."
  "What man?"
  "That man. The man. The man from the movies."
  "Oh, well, that narrows it down."
  "My daughter thinks he's handsome. Kevin. Kevin something."
  "Costner."
  "I can't think of it right now. I'm in so much pain. Please."
  "Kevin Costner."
  "Yes. Yes. That's him."
  "Oh, I like him too. He's so serious. And such a good man. He's always the best man in the room. You know what I mean?"
  "I don't. I can't think right now."
  "Where's you daughter?"
  "I don't know. Call her. Please. Tell her I've fallen. Tell her."
  "Well, I don't know her name, ma'am."
  "Jodi."
  "Jodi what?"
  "Jodi, uh, her name is Jodi."
  "You don't know you daughter's last name?"
  "She lives in Raleigh."
  "North Dakota?"
  "No. Oh, oh, no, oh, please, please."
  "Raleigh, North Dakota?"
  "North."
  "Yes, North Dakota."
  "No."
  "Yes, Raleigh, North Dakota."
  "No, no."
  "Well, I don't know of any other Raleigh."
  "Jodi Sorensen."
  "That's your daughter's name?"
  "No. She changed her name. When she got married."
  "To what?"
  "I can't. I can't remember."
  "What did she change her name to?"
  "I can't remember. Something. I think. Jodi something."
  "Do you have any other children?"
  "No."
  "How about a husband?"
  "My husband."
  "Do you have a husband?"
  "No. No. Jim."
  "So, you don't know your daughter's last name and you don't have a husband, but his name is Jim."
  "Help me."
  "I'm going to have to ask you one more time to stop raising your voice, ma'am. I do not get paid to be verbally abused."
  "Please."
  "What?"
  "Please. Please help me."
  "We will, we will."
  "I can't get up."
  "Yes, I know."
  "I think I shattered my hip."
  "Uh-huh."
  "The hummus. The hummus."
  "Well, ma'am you certainly do prove the adage that the squeaky wheel always gets the grease."

• 
  Amanda Harris

  Sep 06, 12:10pm

  Equally funny and sad.

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