trying to be honest but twitter is over capacity
11:15 a.m
I can never seem to open those clear bags at the grocery store.
To be honest, they make me feel like a retard.
From now on I think I might just grab a handful of grapes and take them to the check out lane.
11:17 a.m
I haven't had a six pack since I was 24; so about 1000 beers and a year ago.
11:16 a.m
Is it me or are drag queens getting better looking?
They are so much more believable then they use to be
11: 18 a.m
My girlfriend is pregnant. I'm pretty excited.
To be honest, I'm not sure if the little bastard is mine but I guess we will find out if he comes out Chinese.
11:21 a.m
I went to a church over the weekend. I tried speaking in tongues.
It wasn't for me.
To be honest, I'm Jewish but I wanted to know what Jesus was all about.
So far I think he has some good ideas.
11:22 a.m
When I was on Pandora I typed in Nora Jones in the "add variety" tab.
She's got good music, when I told my friend Doug about it he called me gay...
or were we talking about Coldplay...hm...I can't remember.
11:24 a.m
I found my first gray hair. It freaked me out.
I think it was because I found it on my "happy trail"
I guess there's nothing happy about it anymore.
11:24 a.m 35-seconds
No chick is going to want to hook up with someone that reminds her of her grandfather...right?
But if she is I might be into that.
11:27 a.m
I've always wanted to know who let the dogs out...who? who? who?
11:29 a.m
Someone called my house thinking it was Domino's. They were local so I gave them the right number. Reggie thanked me and told me to "stay black" before hanging up.
To be honest, I've always wanted to be black.
12:00 p.m
I think I saw Prince walking down the street this afternoon.
One must admit he's a very cute man.
I got lost in his eyes..have you seen Purple Rain? There's a lot of soft lighting.
12: 15 p.m
I can't sing or play the guitar.
Growing up I always wanted to be in a band but my Dad thought music was for hippies or homos. Sometimes both.
12: 15 p.m- 12 seconds
The first time I ever made out with a girl I told her I was a musician. Went to 2nd base that night. (Giggity)
12: 19 p.m
We landed on the moon in 1969.
I think that was Speilberg's greatest masterpiece.
12:16 p.m
Just ran into my boss who is trying out skinny jeans for the first time...didn't have the heart to tell him that chicks were making fun of his bulge.
1:00 p.m
This morning I spilled coffee on my suit and then I thought to myself, "Was that So Raven?"
1:15 p.m
I went to pick up some ice cream and hit on the girl behind the counter. I think she's 17.
I thought about it...and by "it" you all know what I mean
1:30 p.m
For lunch I tried that double down from KFC
To be honest, I'm on the toilet right now. tweeting and pooping...twooping?
I can never seem to open those clear bags at the grocery store.
To be honest, they make me feel like a retard.
From now on I think I might just grab a handful of grapes and take them to the check out lane.
11:17 a.m
I haven't had a six pack since I was 24; so about 1000 beers and a year ago.
11:16 a.m
Is it me or are drag queens getting better looking?
They are so much more believable then they use to be
11: 18 a.m
My girlfriend is pregnant. I'm pretty excited.
To be honest, I'm not sure if the little bastard is mine but I guess we will find out if he comes out Chinese.
11:21 a.m
I went to a church over the weekend. I tried speaking in tongues.
It wasn't for me.
To be honest, I'm Jewish but I wanted to know what Jesus was all about.
So far I think he has some good ideas.
11:22 a.m
When I was on Pandora I typed in Nora Jones in the "add variety" tab.
She's got good music, when I told my friend Doug about it he called me gay...
or were we talking about Coldplay...hm...I can't remember.
11:24 a.m
I found my first gray hair. It freaked me out.
I think it was because I found it on my "happy trail"
I guess there's nothing happy about it anymore.
11:24 a.m 35-seconds
No chick is going to want to hook up with someone that reminds her of her grandfather...right?
But if she is I might be into that.
11:27 a.m
I've always wanted to know who let the dogs out...who? who? who?
11:29 a.m
Someone called my house thinking it was Domino's. They were local so I gave them the right number. Reggie thanked me and told me to "stay black" before hanging up.
To be honest, I've always wanted to be black.
12:00 p.m
I think I saw Prince walking down the street this afternoon.
One must admit he's a very cute man.
I got lost in his eyes..have you seen Purple Rain? There's a lot of soft lighting.
12: 15 p.m
I can't sing or play the guitar.
Growing up I always wanted to be in a band but my Dad thought music was for hippies or homos. Sometimes both.
12: 15 p.m- 12 seconds
The first time I ever made out with a girl I told her I was a musician. Went to 2nd base that night. (Giggity)
12: 19 p.m
We landed on the moon in 1969.
I think that was Speilberg's greatest masterpiece.
12:16 p.m
Just ran into my boss who is trying out skinny jeans for the first time...didn't have the heart to tell him that chicks were making fun of his bulge.
1:00 p.m
This morning I spilled coffee on my suit and then I thought to myself, "Was that So Raven?"
1:15 p.m
I went to pick up some ice cream and hit on the girl behind the counter. I think she's 17.
I thought about it...and by "it" you all know what I mean
1:30 p.m
For lunch I tried that double down from KFC
To be honest, I'm on the toilet right now. tweeting and pooping...twooping?
omg lol rofl
I laughed early and often through this. I suspect that you aren't right in the head, and that is what I am drawn to. Well done!
many thanks!
So frigging funny. TWOOPING, I love that. I can't stop laughing.
we've all twooped. i know it
To be honest. I laughed. A lot.
thank you!
Non-tweeters have never twooped. I am a non-tweeter. Ergo...
I'm a tweeter but I've never "twooped." Very funny story.
How funny! All the way through!
This rings true - I think we're following some of the same people on twitter. :-)
Hilarious!
You work it. I like it.
Had a good laugh over this one!
Very entertaining.
thank you all for your comments
i believe you may have pushed Twitter usage up over 110 million with this...and indeed, where else to find others with the same burning questions: who let the dogs out...who? who? who?
(SMILE)
Loved this. And yes, twitter was over capacity today, just when I needed to tell my truths. bravo!
Jayzus, you are sooo funny.
hah thanks everyone
Is Twitter this interesting? I'm missing out. Somehow, I think you're short pieces here are like Best American Tweets (or Twoops).
hah, ive starting to find some genuinely funny people on twitter. there's still hope!
this was so funny. i love how the narrator is constantly looking for something he isn't- like finding out about jesus or wishing he was black.seems to say loads about life :)
the funniest bit for me was no chick wants to hook up with someone who reminds her of her grandfather, then 'but if she did i might be into that ' . made me smile :)
Oh this is the funniest thing ive read in a while!! And yes i have found some damn funny people on Twitter!