trying to be honest but twitter is over capacity

by tifini kamara

11:15 a.m
I can never seem to open those clear bags at the grocery store.
To be honest, they make me feel like a retard.
From now on I think I might just grab a handful of grapes and take them to the check out lane.

11:17 a.m
I haven't had a six pack since I was 24; so about 1000 beers and a year ago.

11:16 a.m
Is it me or are drag queens getting better looking?
They are so much more believable then they use to be

11: 18 a.m
My girlfriend is pregnant. I'm pretty excited.
To be honest, I'm not sure if the little bastard is mine but I guess we will find out if he comes out Chinese.

11:21 a.m
I went to a church over the weekend. I tried speaking in tongues.
It wasn't for me.
To be honest, I'm Jewish but I wanted to know what Jesus was all about.
So far I think he has some good ideas.

11:22 a.m
When I was on Pandora I typed in Nora Jones in the "add variety" tab.
She's got good music, when I told my friend Doug about it he called me gay...
or were we talking about Coldplay...hm...I can't remember.

11:24 a.m
I found my first gray hair. It freaked me out.
I think it was because I found it on my "happy trail"
I guess there's nothing happy about it anymore.

11:24 a.m 35-seconds
No chick is going to want to hook up with someone that reminds her of her grandfather...right?
But if she is I might be into that.

11:27 a.m
I've always wanted to know who let the dogs out...who? who? who?

11:29 a.m
Someone called my house thinking it was Domino's. They were local so I gave them the right number. Reggie thanked me and told me to "stay black" before hanging up.
To be honest, I've always wanted to be black.

12:00 p.m
I think I saw Prince walking down the street this afternoon.
One must admit he's a very cute man.
I got lost in his eyes..have you seen Purple Rain? There's a lot of soft lighting.

12: 15 p.m
I can't sing or play the guitar.
Growing up I always wanted to be in a band but my Dad thought music was for hippies or homos. Sometimes both.

12: 15 p.m- 12 seconds
The first time I ever made out with a girl I told her I was a musician. Went to 2nd base that night. (Giggity)

12: 19 p.m
We landed on the moon in 1969.
I think that was Speilberg's greatest masterpiece.

12:16 p.m
Just ran into my boss who is trying out skinny jeans for the first time...didn't have the heart to tell him that chicks were making fun of his bulge.

1:00 p.m
This morning I spilled coffee on my suit and then I thought to myself, "Was that So Raven?"

1:15 p.m
I went to pick up some ice cream and hit on the girl behind the counter. I think she's 17.
I thought about it...and by "it" you all know what I mean

1:30 p.m
For lunch I tried that double down from KFC
To be honest, I'm on the toilet right now. tweeting and pooping...twooping?