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My Instagram Life


by stephen hastings-king


I am wealthy wealthy wealthy look at me.

Now I am walking in front of my many cars. I do this for you, you know. I don't just go around walking in front of my many cars.

Now I am posing in a completely different place. I mean, look at it. It's a completely different place.

Welcome to my gracious home. Look at the inifinity pool. Cool.

This is my duckface as it can be seen in a mirror. Any mirror I pass by I put my duckface in it. Here is another. Now another.

Now I am standing near a palm tree. That is not just any palm tree. It is the palm tree that is in this photograph.

I am lithe, I am young, I am in Dubai. Ask yourself: Why Dubai?

When you think positive things, positive things are in your thoughts. I look at my shoes and think: Look, there are my shoes.

Instafans, when I'm feeling bulbous, I drink some tea.

Now I am wearing white. There is more snow here than there is in other places and also more Aspen.

See that? Ever wonder what that is? I do.

Now I am playing pool in the soft porn lighting typical of billiards. All the shots are very hard. I have to bend way over. This is me bending way over.

Here is a bowl of lettuce. How did that get there? I'm next to it, holding a book, Pynchon or something, while also wearing shorts.

Now I am dressed for a night on the town except there is no town in Plague Time and it's 11 on a Thursday morning.

When I'm down I imagine being photographed near the Eiffel Tower or walking on a beach that's not covered with disgusting jellyfish and bottles.

That's me standing near my helicopter. Standing near it helps me keep things in perspective. Instafans, when things feel like they're getting out of control and stressing you out, just buy a helicopter and stand near it.

It's wine o'clock somewhere!
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