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The Worst Advice Columnist You've Ever Heard Of


by Smiley McGrouchpants


Dear Aunt Snobby:

Does melted ice cream qualify, technically, as a milkshake?

Anne
Breezewood, PA

No, and this is very important: melted ice cream is not a milkshake!
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Dear Aunt Snobby:

I hate minutiae — can't stand it, want nothing to do with it.  But: I want to be a responsible adult, who can take charge of my own life.  What do you think?

Betty
Las Vegas, NV

Fuck it!
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Dear Aunt Snobby:

My daughter wants to get a training bra, but I told her, at age 15, she's too young, and everyone at school will think she's a tramp, a slut, and a whore, and she'll never get into a good college, like Harvard, because she'll be too busy sucking dick for money, to study and get good grades.  Do you know what she told me?  "Geez, ma . . . project much?"  What's your opinion?

Veronica
Las Vegas, NV

What are your rates?  I've got a son who can't get any — he just sits inside, reading Douglas Adams, and putzing around on his Texas Instruments™ computer — and I think I need a whore, to make him a man.  Call me at [PHONE NUMBER SUPPRESSED].  Let's talk!
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Dear Aunt Snobby:

I suspect my husband crassly wants a divorce, since we're about to reach the 7-year point in our marriage, and, according to California law, he will be required to split his assets with me, 50/50, straight down the middle.  The problem is: he's Tom Cruise.

Anonymous
Los Angeles, CA

Who?
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Dear Aunt Snobby:

My husband insists on having his brother, whom I can't stand, over to the house for company on a regular basis.  He says that the two of them have been comrades-in-arms for three (3) past lives running, but I can't stand the racket they make, particularly when I'm trying to watch Guiding Light.  What should I do?

Mary Lou
Grand Rapids, MI

Zzzzzzzz...............
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