I Wish I Knew Smiley McGrouchpants When I Was 12 Yrs. Old

by Smiley McGrouchpants

               But I didn't!  There wasn't much on the Internet, back then.  It hadn't been invented!  All we had was this "meme pool," mostly full of crap.
               Take the Charmin commercials.  That damn Mr. Whipple!  I used to sneak down to the supermarket and squeeze the Charmin anyway, just to spite his ass.  He was in my head!  That was a big part of my life back then, growing up.  Sales are measured in volume, or something.  Nobody told me.  I never bought any.
               Or, take The Dukes of Hazzard!  When Sherrif Lobo came on, I couldn't believe my luck.  When one then the other got canceled, I almost cried.  I didn't though — I'm a man!  I beat up my kid sister, drank a case of Coors™, and tried to jerk off.  Didn't work.
               I didn't pay much attention in school.  All the teachers were pretentious, out of touch.  I flunked sixth, seventh, and eleventh grades.  I thought I'd never get out!
               Nobody's gonna tell my story, though — I'm not even telling it!  I can't hear this echoing in my head — I can't tell I'm doing this!  Keep your "self awareness" away from me, motherfucker — I hate you!

                                             CUE COMMERCIAL BREAK