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Colonized Mike, Ch. 10: CRYING AND SUICIDAL


by Smiley McGrouchpants


            Colonized Mike didn't know how he had got himself into this.
            Yeah, he had base-hit sacrificed a buddy of his from the band Colonized Mike'd gotten kicked out of for ineptness (“You need to keep the beat . . . going?”) to absorb The Pathogen's 2nd-gen. self-loathing and fear of living, one summer, when The Pathogen really needed someone outside of school structures (HS: Failure! College: Repels people!) so he could pass for normal — or, uh, not “maladjusted” — which, when it's at all costs, all the time, as a constant, every-space-thing like a problem set in math, put it in brackets, you're not dealing with a finite set of anything else well, people tend to get driven away, in ways they intuit but don't fully understand — nor have to.
            Blah-blah-blah.
            “But it was like in . . . Annie Hall! We had a lobster!” Colonized Mike rolled his eyes, then pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. (He was a whole, significant, single step up from this guy — cues from sitcoms, and people responding to this societal conditioning in your immediate vicinity. Even The Far Side's confusing to these people.) It's a movie, he knew he couldn't tell The Pathogen aloud — it would shatter him, obvious as it was. Another I-hate-my-race-but-can't-get-any-without-them-being-Indian relationship had hit the rocks — or, from her point of view, “didn't get past the third date” — so Colonized Mike had to keep The Pathogen from committing Hari-Kari.
            Good thing he wasn't Japanese.
            Or something.
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