What I'd Have to Call My 'Meatsack Family'

by Smiley McGrouchpants Jr.

Subj: "Black Mirror knows no reflection . . .‏ "
To: Felon Moneysource
From: Christopher Snyder
Date: 04/16/08

FUCK YOU [You need to confirm I actually live here, huh?] FUCK YOU  [Well, I've been here two months by now] FUCK YOU [and I can't afford to have you making promises to Horinga and then breaking them] FUCK YOU [not that she could, either] FUCK YOU [(nor could anyone . . . just so you know!)] FUCK YOU [she's not one of your stupid fucking relatives who'll take your word for it, no matter what, whenever you open your mouth] FUCK YOU  [and that's why I trust her] FUCK YOU [and not you] FUCK YOU [nor any of them] FUCK YOU [(and that includes my sister and her repressed-homosexual husband, Imadago)]

FUCK YOU  [you want to keep playing these games, that's fine] FUCK YOU [obviously, I'm not in a position to turn down any money - which is, of course, exactly how you like it] FUCK YOU [although, by now, plenty of people] FUCK YOU [(including Horinga, her daughter Anastasia, and my friend Danielle whom you "interrogated" at the Pix Patisserie)] FUCK YOU [can testify to the truth I've known my whole life] FUCK YOU [which you, your relatives, and your daughter have sought all along to deny] FUCK YOU [at my expense] FUCK YOU [and thusly causing all  of the suffering I have endured] FUCK YOU [that you are the one who's totally crazy, not me] FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU [Fuckin' whatever.] FUCK YOU [I'm sick of writing this e-mail, because I realize at this point I could write all day] FUCK YOU [and still have no sense whatsoever that any of this would actually sink in] FUCK YOU [and I'd get nothing out of it but aggravation in the process] FUCK YOU [so, go ahead: send as much as you want] FUCK YOU [whenever you want] FUCK YOU [with or without thoroughly following the process of doing so, to make it anything less than a major pain in the ass to even pick up in the first place] FUCK YOU [because, obviously, that's what you'll do anyway!] FUCK YOU
Subj: "Their names are NEVER SPOKEN. The curse is NEVER BROKEN."‏
To: "Chris, I was having thoughts that were not my own . . . if it had gone on much longer, I would have done myself in. But: I decided to take those pharmaceuticals, and pump my brain full of chemicals, and now I'm 'straight'! I never think of Cindy Brady anymore . . . at least, not in a DYKEY sort of way. [guffaws] Yup, pure denial for me from now on ... I'm married, squirted out a kid, just for cover ... wait, are you TAPING this?"
From: Christopher Snyder
Date: Sun 7/27/08

Dear Gentrifer Cap-me-one:

Thanks so much for your considered, 217-page rant on how you've suffered your whole life, owing to your mother very occasionally remarking that "Chris could read at 3, Jen could read at 4."  It was interesting to find out that your sole strategy for coping with anything and everything in your life since then apparently amounts to nothing more than taking my past 15+ years of mental anguish as proof-positive that you are therefore "superior" to me, and thus have been granted carte blanche to do whatever the hell you want to, no matter what (including spawning offspring with neither any prior preparation nor considered reason for doing so, other than you blithely "felt like it").

Intriguing theory; however, I am saddened to inform you that I hardly got past your first sentence ("Why do you have to have such an immense scope to your mind, so that I look like a goddamned retard in comparison?") before my computer "accidentally" deleted the whole thing.

Pray, could you please send me another copy?

Truly: I really do care what you "think."

I promise to give your verbal outpouring my utmost and undivided attention, at my earliest possible convenience (you know, "when my show is over!").

Good luck to you, whore.  You'll need it.

Uppeth Yourn,
"You're not my REAL sister!"

P.S.  I know you don't know what words are, so here's one to get you started (isn't this exciting!):

Main Entry:
    amor·al Listen to the pronunciation of amoral

1 a: being neither moral nor immoral; specifically : lying outside the sphere to which moral judgments apply <science as such is completely amoral — W. S. Thompson> b: lacking moral sensibility <infants are amoral>2: being outside or beyond the moral order or a particular code of morals <amoral customs> e.g. Any priest or member of the clergy who ordered the burning of "heretics" during the Spanish Inquisition; any member of the Gestapo or SS in '30-'40's Germany during the rise of the Nutsy Party; any immunologist who labors in HIV research purely for financial gain and accompanying social status, as she truly believes "they'll NEVER cure A.I.D.S.!" apparently enough to commit to even saying such a thing -- out loud -- ever!

P.P.S.  I know you seem to have trouble reading things if they're right in front of your face [i.e., as opposed to already inside your head] -- but, I figure, what the hell, might as well give the below-listed a shot (maybe you'll at least notice the punctuation, pretty colors, or something):

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[Gentrifer's e-mail address]
Subj: "You got no fear of THE UNDERDOG."‏
To: Christopher Snyder
From: Fuckhead Demonseed
Date: 08/05/08

Dear Christ:

Thanx for yerr USEFULL lettre (emai).  I hav write-on BACK in the STILE I YOOSED in the LETTRE I sent to TOSHIBA on Gentrifer and her petit-ami's behalff, which (s)he laughingly called a "RANSOM NOTE" [like my "SERIAL KILLER" handwriting, as she puts it; but, noo, I'm not MENTALIE DISORDERRED!]

I have SENDED BACK the ATTACHE-MENTS outlining your FIVE (5) leagle CONCERNS [including the one involving MOI], since, as I am a LAWYER, I am INCAPABLE of committing ANY WRONGDOING (lett ALOONE being ACOOSED of any, or PROSECUTIED for any) . . . 'cause, I SAY so!

And, yes, Albany's fine: why do you ask?
Sincerely a dickhead,
Hairy Rapedman Shyster, Jr.