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Ax Murderer


by Sarah Karlinsky



The ax murderer is lonely. He has been sitting around all day waiting for his victim to come home from work. His victim is taking her sweet time. He has already eaten all her cheerios. He has already looked through her photo albums. He has used her toothbrush and tried on all her expensive earrings. The ax murderer got his ear pieced when he was in junior high school and he has never regretted it.

 

It isn't easy to be an ax murderer. Tracking down young women to murder can be kind of a drag. They all start to bleed together, so to speak. Ha ha. The ax murderer is pretty sick of his own jokes by now.

 

Maybe this victim will be different. Maybe she won't shriek out in fear when she sees him lunging towards her with his sharp glinting ax. Maybe she will ask him if he'd like a grilled cheese sandwich and some pickles before he gets to the business of ax murdering. Maybe she'll want to hear all about how he picked her and why and how long he's been spending time in her house, amongst her belongings. It might be interesting for her. She could learn something about the world of ax murdering that she might even find useful. But no, she'll probably just scream and scream and scream, like the others, and the ax murderer will have to use his terrible ax, as he always does, and the whole thing will become mundane and predictable. Ho hum, ho hum and then death. What could be more boring than that?
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