Tangenital

Dear Yvonne,

     I would like to introduce myself. My name is Bradley Paul O'Donnel and I am from Spring Creek, Indiana. You probably have no idea where that is, but “The Creek” is in a small suburb of the more well-known city of Muncie.

     I am 22 years old and am currently studying science and pre-law at the University of Florida in Gainesville. I decided to write to you because I am a huge fan of yours and, well, another year is almost past, and I thought it would be nice to take the time to let you know how much some of your fans appreciate you—you definitely top my list of favorite celebrities.

     I am sure you get plenty of fan mail, and with your busy modeling schedule the chances of you reading this are slim to none, but still I wanted to try to let you know that I always look forward to your appearances.

     I am not sure how else to express my sincere admiration for you. I can't fathom what it must be like to have thousands of people placing me on a pedestal like they do you, but the thing is you still seem very down to earth. That's the quality I admire most about you.

     I don't personally know any models—let alone any supermodels—at this point in my life but some years back my father, who was working for the Woolite Corporation, was in charge of hiring models for them. They were not, of course, at your level, and they certainly, there, weren't ever wearing teeny bikinis, but some of them were, I think, quite attractive.

     I remember two of those models especially (this was before I was, I guess, even 12 years old). One was Karen and one was Heidi. They were both (unlike you) brunettes, and they each had white, white skin. At the time, of course, I was just as interested in the chocolate cake and stuff my mother would make and leave for them. Still, I often wonder where they are today, what they are doing—I mean, did they ever “make it” as full-fledged models?

     When I am not attending university here I scoot home to my parents' place for a few days. When I told my father I was going to do up a letter to “the model on the wall,” (I put up a picture of you in my room there) he didn't think it was too crazy an idea, but he did advise me not to write anything cheesy.

     Yvonne, I know you are a stunningly beautiful woman who must get a lot of e-mails and letters, so how can I hope to convince you that you should pay attention to mine?

     First, I am not an autograph collector, and I don't have any trouble getting girlfriends, even great-looking ones (for sure there are a lot on the beaches down here). But from what I've read and heard about you, I just think it's a mistake for you not to know me personally.

     If you wrote me back, you wouldn't have to sign your letter, so there's no autograph angle. If you called me, e-mailed me, same thing. I just want the chance to be able to persuade you that I stand apart from any other fans of yours.

     Yvonne, I have this theory. I call it tangenitality. It's like this: If I go to bed with a woman (“A”) who has been to bed with another man who has been to bed with another woman (“B”), then, while I certainly have a genital relationship with “A”, I also have what I've come to call a tangenital (tangentially genital) connection to “B”.

     I haven't thought my theory out completely yet, but I know I'm just not ever very happy with any of the women I'm around, and if you could think of someone in the Gainesville area—or, probably less likely, even around Muncie (I'll be there over the holidays)—who you think could provide me with this kind of connection to you, then, well, I'd be, maybe for the first time ever, really satisfied.

     Please think this over and write me, call me, whatever. If for some reason you are not able to fill my request, I will understand fully, and you would still be one of my favorite public figures and human beings. In the meantime I do look forward to hearing from you and am happy in knowing that you know how much I appreciate your work.

     Stay beautiful inside and out—I wish you luck, love and laughter always, Yvonne. Merry Christmas! Have a Happy!

                                                            Your fan for life,

                                                                            Brad