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Drunk, Old, Homless, and Bored


by Michael Tusa


"KEEP BACK, DAMNIT" I was shaking all over, mad.

"Calm down! Calm down" the man inched towards me carefully, taking a few steps forward, then even more steps back.

"I SAID STAY BACK DAMNIT, I'LL SLICE YOU LIKE PEPPERONI!" Pepperoni. . . why Pepperoni?

He began to get nervous. Any intentions he had once had of taking these seemingly trivial matters into his own hands had now suddenly dissipated and left him to battle me alone.

I swung the blunt knife more wildly. I swung like a loose hose. I swung before I knew where I wanted to swing.

He was extremely frightened now. So frightened in fact that when he went to run he suddenly slipped in what appeared to be his own piss.

That did it for me. I was satisfied.

"Please, sir. Please, calm down" the skittish employee had just jumped up, and launched himself over the cash register like some sort of third world James Bond and called on the intercom for more of Walmart's finest to back him up. Only God knows who and what would possibly come creeping out of those aisles at this time in the early morning.

"ILL KILL YOU, YOU NAZI BASTARD!" quite obviously the man wide eyed, and panicking before me was no Nazi.
But this was still fun for me. He stooped low behind his work station, throwing Mars Bars and bags of little candy pieces at me.

"IM NOT A NAZI, STOP FUCKING CALLING ME A NAZI!" He swatted at me popping up from behind the register like a diabetic cat, only to retreat even faster.

I craned slowly over the register and threw the butter knife at his head and a trickle of blood started slowly crawling down his face.

He dropped immediately to the ground on to his knees and slapped his forhed.
"IM SO DEAD, IM GONNA FUCKING DIE. IM GOING TO DIE, OH MY GOD IM DYING!"

He started sobbing and assumed what appeared to be some sort of dramatic dying looking position.

I grabbed his arm and bit him real hard. The situation felt more crazy that way.

He slapped his arm, slapped my face, then cried for help.

A strange boy, this one.


It had been a good ten minutes since he called for backup over the intercom when finally some huge black woman with red hair and a tiger tattoo on her face came running out of the bathroom swinging a mop like an Amazonian Aunt Jemima.

I ran like hell.

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