The Chicken In A Can Incident: A Cautionary Christmas Tale

 

 

From: drbunch@
To: brokengopher@
Subject: chicken
Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2010 06:09:53

Alright, so now explain what the hell a chicken in a can means. You've pissed my wife off something royal because she took it as an insult like you think we're so poor that we need our friends to send us food in a can. She threatened to feed it to the dog but, "who knows what is in it? I'm not feeding it to the dog, you tell him that!" I tried to tell her it's some playwright tradition, but the answer is weak. "Is this what he thinks of us? Is it?"

So if you wanted to cause marital strife, you've succeeded.

 

 

 

From:  brokengopher@
To: drbunch@
Subject: chicken
Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2010 06:51:33

RE: chicken‏

What? Here I try and provide you with a fine Xmas dinner, a whole goddamn chicken in a can, a wonder of modern petro-technology and you shun it.  I always knew you were the ungrateful type but I never thought O would turn her nose up at such a fine product of American imperialism.  The other people I gave the chicken to were thrilled, thrilled at such a thoughtful and practical gift. I bought a case of these fine chickens and have provided many of my friends and family a Christmas chicken to enjoy with their families.  These chickens are specially bred to be put into cans, Kyle. They are packed in that protective slime that cradles such delicacies as Vienna sausages and spam. I don't expect an ignorant hick like you to understand the ins and outs of fine canned cuisine, but I'm surprised someone as worldly as O  would not recognize the sheer brilliance and deliciousness of Sweet Sue's fine chicken in a can. I mean, it's a whole goddamn chicken stuffed into a can filled with clear gelatin slime.
 

 How am I the bad guy here?
 
PS. Don't feed it to the dog, it has bones, it is a whole goddamn chicken in a can, and I can't stress that enough. Besides one year you gave me a toilet seat for Christmas. I couldn't even eat that Kyle.

 

 

 

From: brokengopher@
To: drbunch@
Subject: chicken
Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2010  10:14:77

As you can see these fine chickens from the good folks at Sweet Sue are anything but cheap canned food for poor people. You show O  this bill for my case of Sweet Sue's whole canned chickens and I'll patiently await the apology coming my way.
 

Date: Wed, 13 Oct 2010 13:16:49 -0400
To: brokengopher@
Subject: BuyTheCase.net Order Confirmation: October 13, 2010
From: orders@buythecase.net

Quantity

Description

Price

Total

1

Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken

$39.75

$39.75

 

Subtotal:
Handling Fee:

Total:

$39.75
$4.99

$44.74

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From: drbunch@
To: brokengopher@
Subject: chicken
Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2010 10:14:77

 

Ok, thanks for the gift. But do you understand that you paid nearly $50 to send me a chicken shoved into a can? I have to think for that price that you sampled the chicken and it is the best chicken you've ever tasted, or there's some underlying message. Either way, thanks. It's a pity, though, as you are one of probably two friends my wife has warmed up to, and now she thinks you sent it to get at her for some mysterious reason.
I suppose now in the second half of our lives you've decided to pick up the reigns of Kyle that burdened me for so long. I'll wait to see if you can piss off Matt's mom to the point where she specifically comes to your grave to spit on it.  Plus you'll have to top the time I paraded around the Watkins's household with Kaye's underwear on my head. You've got the indignation and hurt expression down. Hold on to it. It will become your only friend.

From: brokengopher@
To: drbunch@
Subject: chicken
Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2010 10:14:77

 

Well now I can't be held responsible for O's assumptions. If it will help for me to apologize I will. Of all people I would have expected you at least to bow down to the glory and brilliance that is Sweet Sue's succulent chicken in a can. You can walk on egg shells buddy boy but not me. Sweet Sue's chicken in a can is the greatest thing since the cheeseburger in a can I tried to buy you but they banned in the USA for some reason.
 
http:/351304/cheeseburger-in-a-can-reviewed

 

 

 

From: brokengopher@
To: drbunch@
Subject: I'm sorry O
Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2010 11:49:21

I expect you to deliver this uncensored. None of your tricks.
 
 
 Dear O
 
 Kyle says you are mad at me for send you the delicious and nutritious Sweet Sue chicken in a can. I meant no harm or disrespect, especially to you O, a person I admire very much. For if there is anyone on this planet who knows what a trial it is to be Kyle's caretaker it is me. In my book you are a saint for putting up with his incessant complaining and fits of melancholy egotism. Don't let's allow him to divide us O with his passive aggressive manipulative ways.  Next year I promise not to send you a sweet sue chicken in a can. How about this?
 
http:/351304/cheeseburger-in-a-can-reviewed
 
It's a cheeseburger in a can, which hopefully won't be as offensive and also might be more delicious. I am also on the trail of a case of canned monkey heads from Indonesia. I understand now to send only the very best.
 
Love
Mike

 

 

 

From: brokengopher@
To: drbunch@
Subject: use your best judgment
Date: Th, 23 Dec 2010 11:49:21

Dear O,
 
I understand that someone sent you a canned chicken saying it was from me. Now, I don't have to tell you about the decades long feud between Kyle and Matt. Matt will do anything to get back at Kyle because let's face it, Kyle stole all his thunder at Matt's wedding by breaking a tree during the service and reeling around out of his brain on LSD. No, what a minute, that was me. But that is beside the point O. The point is that Matt is a no good liar who would think nothing of sending you a canned chicken saying it was from me so that you would get mad at me and reinstate him, Matt, at Kyle's side as his main collaborator. I just wanted to take this opportunity to deny sending you a chicken in a can and to tell you I would NEVER EVER do anything like that. But Matt would, as I'm sure Kyle will confirm to you. It's my opinion that legal action is warranted here. A good lawyer could probably get you Matt's newspaper that you and Kyle could turn into a UFO magazine or a Dog lover's trade journal.
 
I will of course be willing to testify on your behalf in a court of law.
 
Love always,
Mike

 

 

From: drbunch@

To: brokengopher@

Subject: re: use your best judgment
Date: Th, 23 Dec 2010 11:49:21

 

Hey, you're all good with me. My mistake was letting her open the package. Let the years pass and she might forget.

 

 

 

From: mlubich@
To: drbunch@; brokengopher@
Subject: chicken
Date: Th, 23 Dec 2010 1:17:21

 (Kyle, if they didn't snip off your nutsack when you had surgery last year you'll pass this along to her....)

 

Dear O,

 

Busy on deadline putting out my cowrag but wanted to address these scurrilous rumors and accusations.

 

Why in the world would I want to ferment marital discord between you and Kyle?

 

...Could it be because as a wedding gift, he gave my wife a vomit encrusted poncho that he dug out of the trash?

 

...Could it be because after my wife and I were kind enough to let him and Mike stay at our house while we were on our honeymoon, Kyle changed our outgoing answering machine message to: "Hi, this is Matt, I can't come to the phone right now because I'm busy fucking Lesli. Leave a message."?

 

...Could it be that after I traveled with Kyle to a foreign country...? New Mexico... and hurled foamy beer puke all over the expensive tile floor of the girl he was trying to get to like him, who had spurned him, in support of my best friend, that he never ever even said thank you?

 

For all these reasons and so many more, O, I would have been entirely within my rights to send him a chicken in a can... but alas, I did not.

 

The postal authorities refused my package of kitten heads because it was leaking blood and brain fluid all over the counter, so I don't think you'll be getting anything from me this holiday season other than my best wishes for you and yours.

 

Matt

 

 

 

-----Original Message-----
From: drbunch@
Sent: Thursday, December 23, 2010 4:36 PM
To: mlubich@; brokengopher@
Subject: RE: use your best judgment

 

This is why you're a sad little man Matt. Neither one of you fucks had the decency to come to either of my weddings where you could have had ample opportunity to exact your revenge. Instead you choose to snivel in a corner and lash out at wrongs you cling to THIRTY FUCKING YEARS LATER. I suppose your epitaph will no doubt feature this incident in major prominence. It should also note that you died a coward too afraid to come out of a hole blocked by petty grievances no one gives a shit about anymore.

 

 

From: mlubich@
To: drbunch@; brokengopher@
Subject: RE: use your best judgment
Date: Th, 23 Dec 2010 13:39:16 -0700

Nice to see the little woman let you have a moment of computer time, Kyle.

 

Clutch that frilly housecoat and your delusions of grandeur tight, K-Boy. Feel the warmth.

 

 

From: mlubich@
To: drbunch@; brokengopher@
Subject: RE: use your best judgment
Date: Th, 23 Dec 2010 16:42:02 -0700

 

 

First of all, Kyle, I do not recall being INVITED to either of your weddings.

 

Second, obviously you still give a shit from this frothing e-mail. Wipe the spittle off your keyboard...

 

 

 -----Original Message-----
From: drbunch@
Sent: Thursday, December 23, 2010 5:46 PM
To: mlubich@; brokengopher@
Subject: RE: use your best judgment

 

You were both invited. Neither one of you came.

 

 

 

-----Original Message-----
From: mlubich@
Sent: Thursday, December 23, 2010 6:40 PM
To: drbunch@
Subject: RE: use your best judgment

 

Man, I'm just gonna leave this alone...

 

Did you get invited to either of his weddings...?

 

 

 

 -----Original Message-----
From: mlubich@
Sent: Thursday, December 23, 2010 6:40 PM
To: brokengopher@
Subject: RE: use your best judgment

 

Well, now I did it. I thought I was replying to you, and didn't realize it was going to him...

 

You fucking started it...

 

 

From: mlubich@
To: drbunch@; brokengopher@
Subject: RE: use your best judgment
Date: Th, 23 Dec 2010 16:42:02 -0700

 

Kyle,

 

You (looking in your inbox) now realize that I am no better at e-mailing than I am at being a friend...

 

Seriously Kyle, all the best to you and O  this holiday. Hope she wasn't upset by my e-mail(s).

 

 

 

From: mlubich@
To: brokengopher@
Subject: Hey
Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2010 10:15:39 -0700

 

So exactly how much did I piss him off?

 

What's your thinking and inclination about getting together before the holiday?

 

 

 

 

 

 

-----Original Message-----
From: brokengopher@
Sent: Thursday, December 23, 2010 10:50 AM
To: mlubich@johnstownbreeze.com
Subject: RE: Hey

 

I don't think you pissed him off more than I did. But it seems my blaming you worked. He said your prattling Facebook posts helped convince her that you were the kind of person who would do something so nefarious, while my dignified silence redeemed me.

 

 

-----Original Message-----
From: drbunch@
Sent: Thursday, December 23, 2010 9:36 PM
To: mlubich@; brokengopher@
Subject: RE: use your best judgment 

At this point, we are dropping conversation relating to chickens in a can. We are donating the can to the homeless so one less person will be hungry this Christmas.

 

 

From: brokengopher@
To: drbunch@
Subject: RE:
Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2010 09:46:43 -0700

What?

 

From: drbunch@
To: brokengopher@
Subject: RE:
Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2010 21:17:41 +0000

I ask that you drop this shit. O took this really bad, and I didn't understand the gift anyway, and I had to deal with it all. She comes from a poor agricultural economy in which Russia took all their food and starved her relatives. She lived through the collapse and remembers going to the store where no food was available. To get this when you've obviously gone to great length to push it in our faces was a big insult. We had asked everyone to refrain from giving us gifts, and you saw it fit to push in our faces that we're cheap enough to require food handouts. Then you saw it necessary to deny everything and push Matt in my face with his bitter diatribes. Just drop it.

 

 

From: brokengopher@
To: drbunch@
Subject: RE:
Date: Thu, 24 Dec 2010 08:46:43 -0700

 

Wow. Okay. Sincerely sorry. Won't happen again.
 

I'm really sorry you feel this way Kyle and that you think this was my intention. I guess it won't do any good to say that it wasn't because you're going to believe what you want. It has nothing to do with me. I love you and I'm truly sorry I hurt you and O.

 

 

From: drbunch@
To: brokengopher@
Subject: RE:
Date: Thu, 24 Dec 2010 9:17:41 +0000

 

I know Mike, and I love you too. If it were just me, I would have shrugged, but she really took a dim view of it all

 

 

From: drbunch@
To: brokengopher@
Subject: RE:
Date: Thu, 24 Dec 2010 21:17:41 +0000

 

Well, Merry Christmas. All is forgiven and forgotten.

 

The Sneezing Baby Panda

 

 

From: brokengopher@
To: drbunch@
Subject: RE:
Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2010 12:41:38 -0700

 

I suppose you think it was funny to send me this sneezing panda movie when you know goddamn good and well that I am deathly afraid of sneezing and panda bears. This cruel incident has put me in the hospital with myatonic seizures from fear induced hallucinations featuring infant panda bears sneezing on me and getting their stinking mucous on his nice shirt. These shirts cost money Kyle; I paid twelve dollars for this one at Wal-Mart. It was my best shirt goddamnit. I just hope that you are satisfied now and that your lust for vengeance has been finally and once and for all sated. In the meantime I can be reached at the Island Grove Halfway House for the Mentally Disturbed. I just hope you're happy now.