The Fat Geisha Sings The Ballad of the Bamboo Shoot

Come gather round and listen to me

You senior VPs from AIG

As full of yourselves

As you are of wealth

So engorged are you with raging greed

The warnings you neither see nor heed.

 

Come gather round and listen to me

Sing of the Minister of the Third Degree.

Contemplate

His unfortunate fate

During the reign of the Emperor Reizei.

 

         Loving not hating, giving not taking

         Should be the rules in both finance and mating.

         Be ever mindful

         To be heartful and kindful

         For the best part of you

         Is like tender bamboo.

 

This Minister of the Third Degree

Had Mistresses three,

Who shall be called Lady X, Lady Y, and Lady Z

In the interests of delicacy.

 

A large portfolio he possessed

But lacking in love and tenderness

His Mistresses Three

Ladies X, Y, and Z

Were soon consumed by jealousy.

 

         Loving not hating, giving not taking

         Should be the rules in both finance and mating.

         Be ever mindful

         To be heartful and kindful

         For the best part of you

         Is like tender bamboo.

 

One stormy night, the Minister of the Third Degree

Summoned his Mistresses, one, two, three.

Their jealousy, he'd come to decide

Arose from a secret desire to spy.

 

So as they saw him exchange rates with each in turn,

They would all soon learn

He had enough currency

To sate all three.

 

Lady X was the first he chose, the youngest of all,

None fairer was there in the Capital.

Her over his sword stand he bent

As into her securities his debt  instrument went,

While behind fans blushed Ladies Y and Z,

But desired their turn secretly.

 

         Loving not hating, giving not taking

         Should be the rules in both finance and mating.

         Be ever mindful

         To be heartful and kindful

         For the best part of you

         Is like tender bamboo.

 

After taking his profit from Lady X,

Lady Y upon his lap he next

His double-digit growth inserted from behind

As she giggled and groaned, drunk on rice wine.

 

But then, as it began to rain,

Lady Z resisted when her turn came.

Even as the Minister of the Third Degree

Plied her dollar roll unmercifully

With dirty floats and pledged collateral,

She staunchly remained Bearish to his Bull.

Yet, alas, even her at last

To his unfriendly offers acquiesced

And grabbed for pleasure and gratification

As they howled in beggar-thy-neighbor devaluation.

 

         Loving not hating, giving not taking

         Should be the rules in both finance and mating.

         Be ever mindful

         To be heartful and kindful

         For the best part of you

         Is like tender bamboo.

 

“Well,” said the Minister of the Third Degree

Have I cured my Ladies of jealousy?”

His Mistresses three agreed quietly,

and brought his clothes,

Lady X his sable mantle, Lady Y his shoes,

 

And Lady Z his sword in a silver sheath

As, having spent his equity,

The Minister placed his soft currency upon a table of sweet meats,

Laden with warmed spiced cheese, lotus-seed tarts and other treats,

And moaned, “Whatever shall I do?

There's only one of him and three of you.”

 

In an instant all was made clear,

As Lady Z raised his sword in the air

And brought it down deftly in three neat strokes

Severing his assets in twain like a bamboo shoot.

Then, as he screamed most piteously,

Calmly answered Lady Z,

“A fairer dispersement could never be.”

 

So, come and listen to me,

You Senior VPs from AIG

However skillful with mammon you may be

Remember the Minister of the Third Degree

And from deluded self-pride and greed desist

Lest you receive a stock split you won't cherish.

 

         Loving not hating, giving not taking

         Should be the rules in both finance and mating.

         Be ever mindful

         To be heartful and kindful

         For the best part of you

         Is like tender bamboo.