BREAKING: Discovery of Higgs Boson Announced; Was Between the Cushions of the Couch the Whole Time

by Jackson Stone

JULY 4, 2012 — After years of speculation and tireless research, the world's top scientific minds have empirically confirmed the existence of the Higgs Boson, a fundamental subatomic particle that until now had only been theorized. But in an even more surprising development, its discovery has also had unexpected implications for fields well outside the realm of particle physics.

At approximately 2:37am on July 2nd, halfway through his second straight all-night push to crunch hundreds of thousands of rows of data, research assistant Pierre Cassagnac dropped into the break room at CERN's Large Hadron Collider. It was there he made the fateful discovery of the Higgs Boson.

Realizing he was 20 euro cents short of being able to buy a Snickers bar and a Mountain Dew: Code Red from the vending machine next to the refrigerator, Cassagnac turned in desperation to the nooks of the dingy, sagging cloth couch on the other side of the room. There, tucked against the right armrest and covered in pizza crumbs, lay the Higgs Boson.

His colleagues were quickly able to confirm the astonishing finding. Yet it would not be the only groundbreaking discovery that morning. Upon further exploration of the crevices of the worn-down and grody couch, researchers stumbled upon a wealth of extraordinary answers to previously unsolved questions about the universe.

Just a few of the remarkable discoveries made that morning include:

— George Romney's 1968 presidential campaign

— One person who thoroughly enjoyed Prometheus

— The past, present, and future whereabouts of Waldo

— Sex in the Champagne Room

— The #1 Secret to Burning Belly Fat That Doctors Don't Want You to Know

— Eddie Murphy's career

— A decent cuppa coffee around here

— Pluto's long form birth certificate confirming planetary citizenship

— The correct, definitive pronunciation of pecan

— A profitable business model for the publishing industry in the digital age

A comprehensive excavation of the couch is still underway, leaving room for hope that further discoveries may yet be made. One can only speculate what additional revelations may lie within this trove, such as a cure for cancer, or a satisfying explanation of the last season of Lost.

No word yet on whether Cassagnac found the 20 euro cents he was looking for.