When the nuclear industry failed to get funding for increasingly enormous power plants, despite Obama declaring nuclear power was not a Greenhouse Gas (just an apocalyptic one), the nuclear industry turned its resources towards smaller devices.
Now average people can purchase pocket-sized reactors (iNukes) for different rooms of the house and for each car and classroom in our children's schools, completely eliminating the need for oil, gas, coal, and even geothermal, wave, solar and wind even cell phones.
Miniature reactors now monopolize the energy market, replacing batteries in children's toys and old peoples' hearing aids. I mean how much radiation do you really need to warm a classroom?
Stories of video surveillance of miniscule reactors purchased by terrorists at Home Depot are immediately squashed on the Internet as quickly as Vogue magazine removed its fawning article about glamorous, skinny, fashionable Asma al-Assad in 2012 when they realized her husband was a mass murderer, slaughtering thousands of opponents and their children, denying his people the most basic of human rights: life.
To Vogue readers, Asma's guilt by association for standing by her man with the Hitler mustache while insatiably shopping like Imelda Marcos for extravagant luxuries on the Internet and in Parisian boutiques was bad for Vogue's high fashion image. Pretty little Asma had begun to be referred to as the Marie Antoinette of the Arab Spring and Vogue's article praising her as a role model for women had to go. However it is now a well-known fact that she has put in the first order with Tifanny for a diamond-studded iNuke and she has redeemed herself as a fashion icon.
The nuclear industry has proven much more effective than Vogue in squashing damaging press in general, ensuring that its image is nothing but positive. Because the latest nuclear reactors are so small with such minute meltdowns, news of their role in terrorism and mini-accidents can be easily squelched, even if this at times requires the "Karen Silkwood Cure" of journalists by plutonium poisoning via simple packets of sugar in their take-out coffee from Starbucks.
There have been several reports of miniature nuclear devices being used as hockey pucks on playgrounds, bed warmers for hospitalized patients, and in prison cells for God-knows-what. They are not allowed on public transportation but many have been found rolling around on the floor of the New York subway system and the Paris Metro. They are banned from carry-on luggage on planes and have to be inserted into checked luggage before departure. Mickey Mouse mini-nukes are often placed in children's school lunch boxes for cooling sandwiches, though an accidental meltdown could cause the food to become dangerously hot in both senses of the term. For careful, well-behaved children, this has not been a problem.
Obama continues to insist that radioactive energy is clean energy because:
1. It's invisible
2. It doesn't smell bad
3. You can't taste it
4. It's not a fossil fuel
5. It leaves no carbon footprint
6. The President of the United States says so
7. There are 104 nuclear power plants in the U.S. already
8. Obama plans to use 36 billion tax dollars to build more
Obama is therefore thinking of a deal with Toyota lifting the ban on large nuclear-powered vehicles like minivans by 2016.
He has combined his concern for jobs and the environment by offering subsidies to Toyota to design a fuel-efficient minivan depending solely on nuclear power.
Minor bad news: there are few species left except for house pets, fleas, rodents and bed bugs. Global warming has been replaced by "background radiation", leading to sky-rocketing rates of cancer, birth defects and almost universal infertility, not to mention a drastic reversal of the previous longevity trend. Forty has become the new eighty. Only babies brought to term in hatcheries have any chance of being viable. Pessimists claim we are witnessing the beginning of our species' extinction.
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Finalist for the 2012 Glass Woman Prize.
Thanks to Beate Sigriddaughter.