Before the Divorce

by gerard varni

Before the divorce, she said . . . 

"And I was like — this is just how I was afraid you'd take it. I knew it, that you'd think this means you were right to be afraid all the time and never feel secure or trust me. I knew it would be, 'See, you're leaving after all when you promised you wouldn't.' And the affair meant nothing; it was just, you know, sex. I knew it but I'm trying to explain anyway, okay? And I know you probably won't understand this either, but — wait — just try to listen and maybe absorb this, okay? Ready? Me leaving is not the confirmation of all your fears. It is not. It's because of them. Okay? Can you see that? It's your fear I can't take. It's your distrust and fear I've been trying to fight. And I can't anymore. I'm out of gas on this thing. If I loved you even a little less maybe I could take it. But this is killing me, this constant feeling that I am always scaring you and never making you feel secure. Can you see that? Do you understand?"

And I replied, "Umm, not really. Sounds like a lot of horseshit to me."