Drunken Terrorists Act

by Gary Hardaway

Drunks assaulted Collin County roads, un-licensed and uninsured, with ruthless skill in the art of the t-bone. They aimed for heads of households at the wheel in Tahoe, Beemer, Lexus, Infiniti, Acura, E-class, Cadillac and Jag but often settled for executive wives and innocent dependents in anything listing over 40K. On any given Sunday, they scored a dozen affluent fatalities and twenty-plus life changing injuries at well-groomed churches throughout McKinney, Frisco, Plano and Allen. The drunks themselves always walked away, muttering their motto “Dirt don't die” while waiting for the breathalyzer.

Veterans of the MAD campaign against their kind in Texas, they'd lost most hope during their first DUI experiences. They asked each other at Court-suggested AA meetings: What can Texas do but throw us in jails already packed with low-life scum? They were tired of funding Collin County towing scams, jailhouse telephone service scams, car start breathalyzer scams, and the income streams of inept and lazy specializing lawyers. A conspiracy against the decent citizens was born among the irresponsible.
The movement spread to other counties. Gated McMansion subdivisions aligned themselves with high-end dealerships alarmed by plummeting sales and lobbied Republican legislators to suspend habeas corpus and shoot the drunks on site. The War on Drunken Terrorists Act passed both houses, neat as single malt served in leaded crystal. The corpses of the drunk fill the morgues, pending an ACLU appeal.


T-bone: to strike another vehicle at a perpendicular between the A pillar and the C pillar (A being front-most and C being rear most roof support).
Head of household: for income tax purposes, the designated principal breadwinner (typically the husband/father, especially in Texas)
executive wives: women married to affluent breadwinners
innocent dependents: members of a household who don't earn any money or, at least, not enough  to be independent. More tax-slang.
listing over 40K: something with a list price over $40,000 U.S. In this case, a passenger vehicle.
McKinney, Frisco Plano and Allen: the most populated cities in Collin County, Texas.
breathalyzer: a device used to measure blood alcohol levels by being breathed into. Most American police carry them in their squad cars. Refusal to breathe into one can now be considered resisting arrest in Texas and other U.S states with similarly limited regard for civil rights.
"Dirt don't die": a phrase commonly heard uttered by emergency room doctors in trauma centers throughout Dallas on Friday and Saturday nights.
MAD: an intentionally corrupted version of the acronym for Mothers Against Drunk Driving, a powerful organization responsible for much recent highly punitive legislation related to DUI offenses
DUI: Driving under the influence. Also see DWI, driving while intoxicated. DUI is broad enough to also refer to cannabis and other illegal intoxicants in addition to perfectly legal alcohol.
Court-suggested AA meetings: Texas courts routinely recommend to the point of requiring that persons convicted of DUI attend regular meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous or other condoned twelve-step programs.
Scams (multiple): Persons arrested and imprisoned in most Texas city and/or county jails experience outrageous monopolies under contract to local governments to provide vehicular towing services, telephone services, and so forth. Persons convicted of DUI get the special joy of paying a monopoly under contract for the installation, maintenance and calibration of breathalysers attached to a kill switch attached to the starter  in their vehicle. Blow a trace of alcohol and your car won't start. Punitive and protective of the public at the same time.
Gated McMansion subdivisions: "McMansions" is derogatory slang for oversized suburban houses favored by the nouveau riche in communities across America. Whole neighborhoods of these monstrosities are fenced against the riff-raff and have security gates for controlled entry and exit. 
ACLU: American Civil Liberties Union. An organization devoted to defending civil liberties of all citizens of the USA against the zealous encroachments of paranoid lawmakers, their constituents, and enforcement agencies.