He honestly could care less. We should converse, you and I, he says. All right, she says. She lays down the baster in her drawn out way, heel to toe on the countertop, one step in a long line. Some turkey junk dribbles out. He slurps it up. Disgusting, she says. But first let's go to Borders, he says. Who'll watch it, she says. That really doesn't matter, he says.
He orders the equivalent of a Caramel Frappuchino and for her English Breakfast. Great, she says, we're here. Let's just drink for a while, he says. He's done in no time because that's how he just drinks. He has to pee. We'll converse after that, he says. Fine, she says. Peeing doesn't last long. Believe it or not, I'm back, he says.
She stirs her tea.
The caffeine starts messing with his system. He hates sitting. The twitching kicks in. His right leg, for instance, sentenced to jitterbug, one of those endless fairy tale curses. Then his left. Serious tremors. Lower extremities off their rocker.
You can't hold on to anything, she says. I mean nothing.
Who makes a turkey anyway, he says.
Glass shattering behind the counter. A dish rack gone down. Smashed to smithereens. The barista guy runs around with his hand in his mouth. Hey, people are saying. Crowding. Hey, hey there. Everything all right?
You hate Borders, she says. I know you do. Still stirring. Won't look up.
It's an okay place, he says. He may be thirsty again. It's hard to tell.
He hates middles too.
He has never learned.
He'll get another once the barista guy quits bleeding.
David, there are so many great things about this piece: pacing, dialogue, tone, etc. In terms of suggestions, I'd consider a last line like "He'll get another once the bleeding stops" (I wouldn't name the barista guy since we know whose blood it is). I LOVE how you show this couple not caring about the hubbub following the injury. That is wonderful. Also, I'm thinking maybe cut the very first line of this story. I think that lack of caring becomes very clear as the story progresses.
Thanks so much, David. You nailed it with the beginning and ending. I'm not sure I want to start off with dialogue, but it's true that the opening sentence doesn't add much. I love your suggested ending. I was reaching for it but couldn't quite get there. Thanks a ton for the help.
Oh cool, David, thanks man for letting me know. I really liked this piece a lot and am pumped that my comments can help in a small way. It's got so much going on in so few words, one of the reasons I love flash. So much resonates here. Let me know when/where it places! David