I told her I'd have to tell her mother if she killed herself. I didn't know the girl, and I certainly didn't know her mother, but she wasn't in any position to recognize that fact. Her mascara ran into the cracks beneath her eyes. She seemed so, so lost. I told her my name was Joshua. She believed we knew one another.
When she fell to her knees, I sat down on the floor next to her. She said that I had betrayed her, that I had found someone else to make love to. I told her there was no chance of that, that she was gorgeous and funny and serious in all the right ways. After that, she smiled. Her teeth were stained but perfectly aligned. The tile floor was icy and trembling. She stood up and, as if she'd known all along this was the end of our time together, waved. Headlights lit the station and, when she stepped in front of the subway train, it didn't happen like I thought it would. In the movies, you always have that moment when the person turns around and everything is slow motion and there's some larger truth learned in those milliseconds. Nothing was learned here. Her body went from platform to train. She didn't make any sound, but the train did. The horn screamed and the brakes screamed and the driver screamed. A little blood made its way onto the concrete pillars in the middle of the tracks.
Due to an emergency investigation, a thick voice said through the station speakers, the F train would be delayed. A few people were yelling and pointing now, but I was still on the ground. I felt I should stay there. A man in uniform asked if I was okay, said I had some blood on my shirt. A man and woman in business suits were the first off the train: they didn't look at me but avoided me just the same. The woman told the man she hated when the subway was delayed, that there was no need for it. The man nodded and repeated the words, there was no need for it.
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Originally published in TrainWrite
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fave!*
Welcome, Danny!
Tough, in the best way.
Love the narration.
I one had a teacher who said that in each good story there should be at least one line that, when extracted, summarizes the story's essence.
For me, this line is the observation:
"Her teeth were stained but perfectly aligned."
I think what I'm trying to say is, I like the balance throughout.*
Her teeth were stained but perfectly aligned.--Says so much about the character in so few words. She was raised in privilege and made her way into chaos. I think the last six words should be a sentence alone. Put a period after "words." Great slice of a moment. *
Nice. *
Love the comments, JP. Thank you!
Nice work, Danny. I like that teeth line as well and It didn't happen like I thought it would....overall though, I liked how the narrator pretends with her right from the start & throughout..
Stained teeth, blood stains, staining mascara...I like how it is consistent but unforced. A nice rhythm to this story.
Thanks Shelagh, and Neil. Very generous words.
Please add this to the TrainWrite group! Heart you.
This is great.