These Are a Few of My Least Favorite Things

Portable crappers, and phat gangsta rappers,
Overdressed lawyers, who think that they're dapper,
Blonde second wives who are festooned with bling--
These are a few of my least favorite things.

New SUVs that my teenage son crashes,
Posh window treatments with jabots and sashes,
Pant legs that stick 'cause they've got static cling.
These are a few of my least favorite things.

When a friend croaks, when my feet stink,
When I'm feeling sad--
I simply remember my least favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

Cool summer cocktails whose tonic is flattened,
Obnoxious parents with children they've fattened,
Hearing your cell phone when you let it ring--
These are a few of my least favorite things.

Visible butt-cracks and sandals with sweat socks,
Income and sales tax, celebrity de-tox,
Middle-aged men who still wear college rings--
These are a few of my least favorite things.

When the pierced tongue, and the nose ring
Become more than fads—
I simply remember my least favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

Non-urgent emails with little red flaggies,
Mice that my cat kills in clear plastic baggies,
Ersatz Gambinos who say “Ba-da-bing”--
These are a few of my least favorite things.

Travel by buses and overstuffed bedding,
In-laws who offer to sing at my wedding,
Being held hostage, all tied up with string--
These are a few of my least favorite things.