by Con Chapman
Portable crappers, and phat gangsta rappers,
Overdressed lawyers, who think that they're dapper,
Blonde second wives who are festooned with bling--
These are a few of my least favorite things.
New SUVs that my teenage son crashes,
Posh window treatments with jabots and sashes,
Pant legs that stick 'cause they've got static cling.
These are a few of my least favorite things.
When a friend croaks, when my feet stink,
When I'm feeling sad--
I simply remember my least favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.
Cool summer cocktails whose tonic is flattened,
Obnoxious parents with children they've fattened,
Hearing your cell phone when you let it ring--
These are a few of my least favorite things.
Visible butt-cracks and sandals with sweat socks,
Income and sales tax, celebrity de-tox,
Middle-aged men who still wear college rings--
These are a few of my least favorite things.
When the pierced tongue, and the nose ring
Become more than fads—
I simply remember my least favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.
Non-urgent emails with little red flaggies,
Mice that my cat kills in clear plastic baggies,
Ersatz Gambinos who say “Ba-da-bing”--
These are a few of my least favorite things.
Travel by buses and overstuffed bedding,
In-laws who offer to sing at my wedding,
Being held hostage, all tied up with string--
These are a few of my least favorite things.
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Ha! Oh so clever, and I must second the 'Middle-aged men who still wear college rings.' This is the song I'm gonna memorize for the season. *
Thanks. I don't know why guys do that--maybe they think they might have to prove they went to Dahtmouth.
Really like this, reads like something Dylan should be singing and I mean that in a good way.
Great use of repetition, simple without over-simplification.
If you haven't heard it, Dylan's Christmas album is really funny, especially "Must Be Santa" which is featured in a music video.
Thoroughly enjoyable *
Cracking up at the list/catalog. Nicely done. Now if only I can get the catchy thing outa my head!
Yeah, what Ed said. Ear worms I'll never get outta my head... *
Hilariously good.
One of your funniest. Loved it. Should become a classic, or at the very minimum ( what stands-in these days) "viral." Hmmm, maybe that rates inclusion.
viral, spiral--help me out here.
I bought Christmas in the Heart, it's hilarious, especially The First Noel and Christmas Island.
Amen is a damn good word to end on as well.
Brilliant.
* watch out Walt Whitman, he's gaining on you
A lot of work went into this, Con. Enough to rouse suspicion, but hey... it works.
***