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Several Ways of Choosing a Wife


by Con Chapman


Here's a helpful suggestion for choosing a wife:
Don't pick from the bin that says “Tragic view of life.”
Sure, she'll share your love of Friedrich Nietzsche,
But I find that kind to be overly prietzsche.

While you wile away hours talking Schopenhauer
You could be outside fertilizing the flowers.
If I had to choose between that and Paul Ricoeur
I'd rather get fresh air spreading manure.

On the other hand, if you're the type who enjoys conviviality,
Get yourself a beauty queen, or at least a Miss Congeniality.
I tried that once, it was draining all right,
When you have to keep smiling the whole freaking night.

If you told her a joke, she'd say “You're a stitch!”
You'd never be tempted to call her a—witch.
But there are limits to one's appetite for pleasantry;
After a while you want to go back to the peasantry.

No, the best choice of all is like Chinese food,
Sweet mixed with sour, refined with crude.
Outgoing/reserved, changing like seasons,
Keeping you on your toes, at least within reason.

I'm happy to say, on this Valentine's Day
Watching guys in tights, dancing modern ballet
That I've married a woman, by a stroke of luck,
Who can walk out and say, “Well that totally sucked.”

Available in print and Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “The Girl With the Cullender on Her Head (and Other Wayward Women).”

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