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John Lennon & The Toes


by Chris Okum



John Lennon on Natalie Wood: "I'm tellin' yer now, I can't cope, I really can't. I'm sat there, right, mindin' me own business, tryin' to write somethin' deep and cosmic, like 'the universe is a biscuit' or whatever, and then Natalie walks past — floats past — like some mystical gypsy cloud goddess, and I swear on me Aunt Mimi's best teapot, me toes start fizzin' like they've been plugged into the Mersey Tunnel's electric box."

John Lennon on Tuesday Weld: "I'm goin', 'Calm down, lad, keep it together, you're a Beatle, you're meant to be cool,' but me toes are havin' a full‑on panic attack of joy, tappin' out a samba beat like they're tryin' to escape me socks."

John Lennon on Faye Dunaway: "I'm shoutin' in me own head, 'STOP IT, YOU'RE EMBARRASSIN' US,' but me toes, they're not listenin'. They're tinglin', they're wigglin', they're practically singin' bloody backup vocals."

John Lennon on Catherine Bach: "Cathy — ohhh, Cathy — she just looks at me with that calm little smile, like she knows exactly what she's doin', like she's thinkin', 'Yes, John, melt. Melt like a cheap choccy bar in July.' And I DO. I melt. I'm a puddle. A Scouse puddle with glasses. Me toes? Soakin. Soakin' in meself. Try standin in yerself with soakin' toes. And then write about it. Can you? Maybe. Can I? Uh-uh."

John Lennon on Ornella Muti: "I mean, honest to God, she's so hot she could toast bread just by lookin' at it. She walks in the room and the temperature goes up ten degrees, the furniture starts sweatin', the kettle boils itself out of respect."

John Lennon on Jane Seymour: "There's me, flappin' around like a seagull in a crisp packet, goin',  'JANIE, LOVE, GIVE US A MINUTE, ME FEET ARE HAVIN' A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.'"

John Lennon on Patti Hansen: "I'm tellin' yer, she's not normal. She's not natural. She's magic, that's what she is. Pure, unfiltered, cosmic, toe‑tinglin' magic."

John Lennon on Susan Sarandon: 'I'm finished. Absolutely done in. I'm sittin' there, right, tryin' to meditate or levitate or whatever it is I said I could do in that interview, and then Suzie walks in lookin' like a mystical art fairy who's just escaped from a gallery no one's cool enough to get into. And me toes? Goin' bananas. I'm tellin' yer, if this carries on, I'm gonna have to put tiny helmets on 'em for safety. They're goin' bananas. Proper bananas. Bananas in tap shoes."

John Lennon on Linda Blair: "Me whole body goes, 'OH HERE WE GO,' like it's clockin' in for overtime. But me toes? They leave the building. Jus' plain skedaddle."

John Lennon on Sybil Danning: "Me toes — ME TOES — start tinglin' so hard I think they're tryin' to phone the fire brigade. Honest to God, they're tappin' away like they're sendin' Morse code: 'SOS — SHE'S FIT — SEND HELP.'”

John Lennon on Ann-Margaret: "I'm shoutin' in me own head, 'CALM DOWN, YOU'RE A GLOBAL ICON,' but me toes are like, 'NOT TODAY, JOHN, WE'RE HAVIN' A MOMENT.'”

John Lennon on Angie Dickinson: "She's just standin' there all serene, like a Zen lighthouse, glowin' away, and I'm thinkin', 'If she gets any hotter, the wallpaper's gonna peel itself off the walls out of sheer embarrassment.' And I'm standin' there as well, except I can't feel the ground because of me toes. Because me toes have passed out."

John Lennon on Pam Grier: "I swear, she walks past the kettle and the kettle boils out of respect. She looks at a candle and the candle apologizes for not burnin' bright enough. And me toes? They don't just tingle anymore. They scream. They're down there goin', “LAD, PREPARE YOURSELF,” like tiny Scouse air‑raid wardens."

John Lennon on Cheryl Ladd: "She sits down on the sofa and the sofa goes, 'Oof, thank you, love, I've been waitin' for this.' I've always been able to hear furniture talk through me toes." 

John Lennon on Pamela Sue Martin: "I'm flappin' around like a pigeon trapped in a Tesco Express, goin', 'PAMMY, LOVE, ME FEET ARE HAVIN' A SPIRITUAL NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.'”

John Lennon on Susan George: "She just smiles — that tiny little smile — and I melt faster than an ice lolly on Bold Street in August. All that's left of me? Me toes."

John Lennon on Lynda Carter: "I'm tellin' yer, it's not romance. It's not passion. It's a full‑foot electrical malfunction and I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China."
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