My Unpublished Children's Books
"Tommy and the Australia-Shaped Scab"
“Sammy's Soggy Sheets”
“Seen and Not Heard”
“Our Mommy Angelina, Volumes 1 - 47”
“The Fabulous World of Streisand — A Boy's Guide to Babs”
“Why Daddy Drinks”
“Mommy Still Loves Daddy, But Her Girlfriend Meets Her Needs”
“Objections to the Theory of Gravity”
“You are the Biggest Obstacle to Your Success. Well, Other than Uncle Charlie.”
“What The Church Doesn't Want You to Know About the Flying Spaghetti Monster”
"You Shouldn't Even Bother"
"I Know What I Said, and I'm Doing the Best that I Can - Now Sit Down and Shut the Hell Up"
“Broken Dreams and Rigged Tickets: An Exposé of Corruption Within the Chuck-E-Cheese Empire”
“Snoop Dog in His Own Words”
“Playing Well With Others” (ghost written for Eminem)
“Maintaining Your Poise and Decency Online” (ghost written for Paris Hilton)
“Coping With Adults Who Just Won't Go the Fuck Away: The Jay Leno Story”
“RateMyProfessor.com for Kindergartners”
"The Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous - In Pictures"
“Emancipation for Dummies”
"The Scratch-N-Sniff Book of Infected Owies"
“The Achy Breaky Truth About Hanna Montana's Secret Shame: Billy Ray Cyrus”
“Getting What You Want For Christmas: A Beginner's Guide To Shooting and Editing Home Video for Extortion”
“Kevin, Nick, and Joe: Lovers, Not Brothers”
“Setting the Knife Down — When Haldol is Right for You”
“Checking for an Adam's Apple: Lessons Learned the Hard Way by Meeting Jillian Michaels”
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Author's Note
Fair Warning: This is the sort of drivel you can expect if you follow me on Twitter.
Other stories by Boudreau Freret
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Hilarious!
And the world is beautiful again.
Where can I pick up that Flying Spaghetti Monster book?
Thank you all! Kirsty, I have the only copy. It will set you back a buck and a quarter, US. ;)
Lots of fun here, Boudreau. Enjoyed.
Mr. Bell found this list to be quite hilarious. There were some fits of howling laughter coming from his cave as he perused this.
--Christian Bell’s intern
Thank you, Sam!
Dear CBI - please thank Mr. Bell for me! I hope this diversion lightened the burden of your thankless job a little. Or at least lessened the beatings, if only momentarily.
Clever ghost writers.
Thank you, Jane! I was pretty pleased with myself over those. And the cheap jabs at Leno. But mostly the ones I ghost wrote for the celebs.
Very funny stuff.
Where can I find "Broken Dreams and Rigged Tickets..." Do you suppose anyone's snapped up the film rights? I see Sundance fallin' on my head over here ... an Oscar for best documentary ... a chance to feel like Morley Safer, Mike Wallace ... stop me, please ...
Hilarious!
These are very, very funny. My favorites are: "Seen and not Heard", "Our Mommy Angela, Volumes 1-47 and "Why Daddy Drinks" & Kevin, Nick and Joe, etc..."
Of course, "The Basic Text of AA - in Pics" is absolutely wonderful too. This one really should exist and preferably be drawn by R. Crumb? Roz Chast?
Thanks, James! Film rights ARE available! The tagline could have something to do with "smelling a rat"... what do you think?
Thank you, Shelagh! I was just thinking how cool it would be if Frank Miller would turn the AA book into a graphic novel. That would kick ass.
All good. My favorites:
“RateMyProfessor.com for Kindergartners”
“Emancipation for Dummies”
Thanks, Bill! I was convinced that Emancipation would be one (more thing) that only I thought was funny. It isn’t as obvious, I think the reader has to work for that one a little more, but to me, the idea of a book that walks children through the process of legal emancipation from their parent(s)/guardian(s) -
*sigh*
I just think that is funny.
The RateMyProfessor one works for me because we know it hits too close to true: right now, someone out there is trying to give a kindergarten teacher a negative review on some site, if not that one, some other.
Anyway, thank you!
Title that made me smirk:
“The Fabulous World of Streisand — A Boy's Guide to Babs."
Title that made me giggle:
"The Scratch-N-Sniff Book of Infected Owies."
Title that made me nod my head in self-knowing appreciation:
"The Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous - In Pictures."
Title that makes me question you as a person:
“Kevin, Nick, and Joe: Lovers, Not Brothers.”
On a related note, I want to write a childrens book about a loveable raccoon that teaches the philosophies of Nietzsche to toddlers.
I had to stop and wipe the tears from my eyes several times while reading these. You have a such a vivid and refreshing sense of humor. Love it!
Thank you Erin and Marda! How'd that book do, Erin? And Marda, may I quote you?
Quote away!
I am impressed by your mention of FSM. Instant "fave" when I read that one.
Thanks, Marda and Katie!