My Agent
—What in fuck's name is ludefisk?
—What?
—Ludefisk, what is that?
This is on the phone, in the throes of a massive hangover. Two days ago.
—What does that have to do with anything? What time is it? Am I paying for this call or you?
—Oh yea, he says —You're on Eastern time.
And he's not. He's in Veracruz. Actually, Alvarado. Still…that's 3 hours behind. That puts him around 2-something a.m. He's still up. The night before. It's today, the night before.
—Well?
—Well what?
—Ludefisk. What is that, he says.
—Why do you ask?
—It's in one of your stories. Have you given up, by the way?
—What?
—Smoking. Have you given it up?
I hear him light up with a Zippo. To spite me, like.
—Piss off you cunt.
He laughs and coughs. And laughs phlegmatically like a donkey suffering from pertussis.
—Look it up.
—What?
—Look up ludefisk, I say.
There's a long pause and a huge bang.
—What was that?
A woman's voice. Irrational. Fighting. A struggle. He covers up the receiver and it all becomes muddled. Then:
—Ah, baby…
Another bang. And:
—I can't look it up. She burned the dictionary.
—Jesus.
—And then she took a…what's that…the…one big hammer…
—Sledgehammer.
—Yea. She took the hedgehammer and demolished my desk.
—SLEDGEhammer, I yell into the phone.
—Yea, yea.
—When was that?
—Last week. We're all right now.
—Didn't sound like it. Is she gone?
—No, not now now, just in general now. I mean, yea, she's gone. She said she'd come back to throw my typewriter out the window, he says.
—Jesus, heh? Special trip and all.
—Yes well…you know, she's fiery.
—And how.
—So then. Ludefisk?
—Yea, I didn't know myself until some lady said…
—Hold on, hold on, some guy is here with…
Another bang.
—You all right, I say.
—Hold on, this guy has a…, then he covers up the receiver but I still hear him:
—What is that? Wha? An X-ray…?
And the line goes dead.
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Author's Note
Sometimes it pays to have a lit agent living in a foreign country.
hilarious.*
Fave. So goddamned funny. Today, I really needed this. Thanks.
Strangely enough, I've been cruising around today to see if getting a lit agent might benefit me in some way.
Aside from that, I was hugely entertained by this story. Thank you...and I mean really, thank you. It's solid and funny and a lot of other things that just make it work. Cool.
Thanks gents; as you can see, having a lit agent, or... a "lit agent" is useless.
Hilarious. I really like the way you end stories, Alex.
*
Great rhythm to the dialogue. Very good, Alex.
"And then she took a…what's that…the…one big hammer…"
Hilarious is the word.*
Funny!
Thank you all for the kind words and the chuckles. I shopped this one around to one brand new 'zine, but it got rejected. After thinking long and hard of where to try to place this, I couldn't see it fitting anywhere really, so...here it now lives.
Alex, first, the designation of dialogue with em dashes is highly appealing. (Ronald Sukenick did it in Mosaic Man.) It creates direct, immediate access to their speech, fast reading.
Also, I caught a whiff of Frank Hinton's dial-a-muse in this story.
Second, secondary to that, it reminds me, so why wouldn't I like it? of a story I wrote (at Asymptote after debuting at Fictionaut called "Dumb Luck") in which the two principals discuss words he tells her over the phone to find in the dictionary and their ensuing discussion of them (for example) rutabaga, a Swedish carrot from the German.
And of my story, once at Fictionaut, now scheduled for the OtherStream anthology. The men editor-poets are quietly shunning the crazy women poets who gave them (big) career breaks while courting (from newly enhanced positions) more popular writer chicks outside the story, written mostly by a Siberian lawyer-poet, Maxim Zuzin, called "The Writer to Her Lawyer in Siberia."
Beside the point! But background about how I jive with this, Go, create! *
I can't put my finger on what this reminds me of... but I like it. There's, for me, a kind of Hunter S. Thompson quality. I think it's the sledgehammer. Thanks.
You have such an ease with dialogue. This comes off as so true and, then so funny. Excellent piece!
Love your goofy dialogues. This is not an exception, but there are no mangos. *
This doesn't remind me of anything.
It's just funny.
Does remind me. Very Donald Barthelme-like. Good piece, Alex. Great form. Big like.*
Thanks again all; a bit of a disclosure here; this was slated to be part of a much bigger piece...something maybe approaching 20K words and was a scene, really, but I think it stands on its own. The vibe of what I wished to do was something like Hunter S. Thompson's in "Rum Diary."
Many many thanks for reading; I try to keep everything I put on here (sans Urban Legend) very short, to match up w/people's attention spans.
I do enjoy these rambling conversation pieces you do, Alex. Very funny.
Kenny, thanks. And, viva Scotland! Well, at least today. Proud of them for passing the law.
HA! Right on the mark! God almighty it doesn't matter 'which' country... I'll stop here. Loved this for its great realistic dialogue and plot.
*
Susan, thank you!
my first (and last) meeting with an agent went similarly though it sounded and looked all different on the surface...fun.
Very funny. An agent with Attention Deficit Disorder. On the phone. Trying to multi-task. Excellent recipe for disaster. Wonderful dialogue.
thanks Gloria!
I'm a fan.
*
Thank you, sir.
I like this line oh so much:
'I hear him light up with a Zippo. To spite me, like'. *
Thanks Penny.
Great job capturing the illogic and missed connections in most conversations. And funny too boot.
Gary, thank you.
love listening to this!*
Jane, thank you much.
Ha ha! Why the hell did she burn the dictionary?? And threaten to throw the typewriter out the window... what a great throwback. I like this very much. The x-ray... :)
Really enjoyed this. *
Deborah, I don't know. "She's fiery" ?? Larissa, thank you for reading.
A scream! Well, lots of screams, actually.