Discussion → The Diary of a Salaryman

  • Markbudman.thumb
    Mark Budman
    Nov 02, 05:38pm

    The Diary of a Salaryman

    By Mark Budman

    Today I was promoted to a junior coordinator of coordinating activities. This means I’ll get a 3% salary raise spread over five years. This also means I get to stay at work longer.
    Wife bore quintuplets. Was allowed to take three days off from work. Brought home the laptop and had a telecon during the delivery.
    My cubicle mate was laid off. Had to pick up his workload. When I bent over the crib today, one of the quintuplets peed in my face, from a foot away. I think it was a boy.
    Wife e-mailed me a picture of the kids on their first day in school.
    Was promoted to an associate coordinator of coordinating activities. This means I’ll get a 4% salary raise spread over five years. This also means I get to stay at work longer.
    Today I saw a car with five teenagers leaving my garage. They waved at me. Is wife renting the garage out?
    The new cubicle mate had a heart attack. While they were getting him on the stretcher, had a conversation with a guy from across the aisle. His name was Pete, and he’s been with the company for twenty-four years. Twenty years in the same cubicle. Same as me.
    Was promoted to a senior coordinator of coordinating activities. This means I’ll get a 5% salary raise spread over five years. This also means I get to stay at work longer.
    They laid me off today. I guess I was making too much money. They could hire 1.25 young, energetic coordinators in my place and still save. Counted the remaining Valiums. Only three. Not enough for suicide.
    Took my five grandchildren to a ball game today. Had ice cream in the park. My chest was heaving and a strange sound came from my throat. I guess they call it laughter. Now I understood why they pay good bucks to watch stand-up comedians.
    Wife retired. Ran out of Viagra, but had sex with her anyway. She screamed and raked my back with her nails. Wow. The last time she’d done that was nine months before the quintuplets were born.
    Got a call from work today. They want to re-hire me. E-mailed them a pic of myself flipping the bird.
    Today is my last diary entry for a while. Too busy planting strawberries in my garden. Wife takes a bubble bath. Means it’s going to be a busy night, too.





  • Ann20145x.thumb
    Ann Rushton
    Dec 16, 12:34am

    Mark, took me long enough to notice you posted this! Thanks!


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