Discussion → Barebones

• 
  Finnegan Flawnt

  Dec 03, 03:06am

  
  

  "Ms Barebones was implicated in Nicholas' earliest conscious oedipal fantasies and longings for touching a fully grown woman's everything everywhere: the small, vulnerable place between her breasts, the less vulnerable but highly arousing tiny yard around her nipples, her slightly rounded neck where the black hair ended, above her dresses, which seemed endlessly transparent, caleidoscopically so, and, of course, the forbidden but ever so sweet space between her legs where he assumed her bush to be just as black as the hair on her head. [...]"

  This is the first sentence of a chapter beginning in the novel that I wrote in November as part of the NaNoWriMo effort. Full excerpt is at http://bit.ly/1QOzP4 - caution: this has not been edited at all yet...I will begin doing that around Christmas time, but I'm curious if this works for you...

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• 
  Susan Gibb

  Dec 03, 08:24am

  
  

  I LOVE "a fully grown woman's everything everywhere" -- that's about the neatest descriptions of T&A I've read lately!

  I don't know how Ms. Barebones would feel about it, but you've brought the entire reading audience right into her most intimate physical self. As well, I might add, that of the character Nicholas since we see what he likes.

  Nitpicking: While "tiny yard" is a neat descriptive, I still thought of measurement rather than the lawn area, and that was not a pleasing image!

  I love Caleidoscopically because that was one of the first words I turned from noun into a verb in a poem once--though it's spelled with a k.

  Slightly rounded neck? As a mature woman, this one scares me.

  But the point is that yes, it's a great opener and tells us so much about two characters and the promise of eloquent sex. Nice!

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• 
  Finnegan Flawnt

  Dec 03, 11:25am

  
  

  thanks susan - especially for the confirmation that this provides a good view on nicholas who is the MC. ms barebones is a flashback figure only (she's a teacher, he's a boy still). she's a mirror though.

  also thanks for the insights (i wouldnt call it nitpicking!) - those need to be reworked for sure. i believe the 'slightly rounded neck' stayed with me from thomas mann's description of the lascivious mmme chauchat in "magic mountain". i need to find another way to get ms barebones voluptiousness across...

  thanks!

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