Just Trying to "Be Honest"

Monday

3:30 a.m
Julia wants me to go out and buy her some Bit O Honey's. Oh I'm sorry Julia I had no idea it was 1984, where the hell am I suppose to find those right now?!
To be honest, I'm starting to resent knocking her up.


8:15 a.m
Just gave my seat to this elderly black woman and had to squeeze my way to the back of the bus....hm...so that's what it feels like

12:00 p.m
When have you ever gone to Subway and didn't end up smelling like a meatball sandwich when you left? When I got back to the office people kept asking each other if they smelled different deli meats.

12:15 p.m
Why do people keep starring at my eyebrows?


Tuesday

3:00 p.m
Doug sent me a picture of this crap he took earlier causing me to laugh uncontrollably while Julia and I were at the lady doctor. Apparently I'm too immature...we got into a fight...blah blah I called her the whore of Babylon.


3:00 p.m -25 seconds
So now I'm walking down the street by myself with a pint of Rum. I'm thinking I'll go see Avatar. Getting drunk in 3D is like a grown mans wet dream. Julia never wanted to see it with me...why you ask because to be honest chicks have the worst taste in movies.


3:45 p.m
While exiting the subway this woman asked me if I would help her carry her baby carriage up the stairs......needless to say I was not late to my movie...It's Avatar...in 3D.


6:05 p.m
Just got my ass kicked.
Apparently you can't just walk up to pregnant women and rub their bellies. I thought they liked it but they don't. This woman was huge though it looked like she had a ten year old in there.

6:05 p.m-25 seconds
Shout out to my mom for having a boy. Having a vagina would totally suck, soooooo glad I don't have one. But to be honest if I had boobs Id touch them all day.


Thursday

8:30 a.m
Just had to explain to Maury's people that I don't want to appear on one of their paternity episodes. I guess I signed me and Julia up last night in a fit of Jack Daniels rage.

1:00 p.m
I'm on way to pick up my suit for my nieces Bat Mitzvah. Julia found out about the Maury thing and I've been locked out the house. She called me a hairy Jew.

1:15 p.m
For the record Julia is equally as hairy and Jewish as I am.
I am a man! If I want to be as hairy as Mariah Careys character in "Precious" I will. Be honest, I know you guys saw her mustache.

1:15 p.m -14 seconds
Did you guys know women don't keep up with any type of maintenance when they're pregnant? It's just gross. Just nasty.


5:00 p.m
WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP STARRING AT MY EYEBROWS?!

Friday

10:30 a.m
Doug talked me into waxing my eyebrows yesterday after a few beers.
Now I look like Clay Aiken and I'm not sure why but this guy outside my office building told me to "keep it gangsta"


1:15 p.m
Why do Forrest Whitakers eyes do that?

7:30 p.m
There's an open bar at Sarah's Bat Mitzvah. Holy shit these girls don't look 13.


Saturday

12:00 p.m

Today is a bad day. The family is pissed at me for giving the following speech last night: Today we celebrate Sarah becoming a woman. We should take a moment to give thanks to God...I personally would like to thank Him for a few things

12:00 p.m-9 seconds

Thank you for my lovely girlfriend, some of you might not know but shes pregnant. Even if its not mine I'll still raise him like my own. Also thank you for not letting me become a teacher. Are you sure your friends are teenagers Sarah...I mean who's checking the ID's?

12:01 p.m
You know, they sure don't make them like they use to, am I right? I use to think I could handle jail but to be honest after getting my eyebrows waxed I might be too pretty.