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Never Cut Your Own Bangs and Other Recurring Dialogues


by Miranda Merklein


Never cut your own bangs. Do not do it. Why? Because YOU KNOW you always cut them too short. Apparently, it is impossible to do it any other way! Stop getting yourself in trouble with writing or what you say to people. Clearly your enthusiasm for precise articulation is not appreciated by all, and you hurt people and their organizations, even if for the right reasons. (At other times, please take the exact opposite of this advice. You won't recognize the difference while you're in the moment.) Take your best guess and err on the side of instinct—No, the less comfortable one. Praying works. You will remember this in times of intense suffering but will forget and deny when things are going well or even okay by the lowest standards of living in the developed world. Is there a world that is undeveloped, you ask, in an annoyingly rhetorical way. Words are tricky and linguists for the underlords are calculating and manipulative. You can return to that idea if there's time, but it turns out THERE IS NO EXTRA TIME, not even for reading the rest of those shelved books, so you might as well give them away to people who are less distracted by survival and the hustle of low-wage contract work. YOU ARE A TEACH BOT. That is your calling in this life, and you must always remember this when your self-esteem unexpectedly rises. Do you want to go back to payday loans? If not, stop pretending like you have a fall zone and places to go if your idealism and fearlessness backfires. Finally, you will remember that you really are afraid and unprotected from harm. Surrounding yourself with hatchet men will not change this predetermined station. In these times it is important that you do not drink alcohol because of the family curse. Yes, this applies to you too. Are you insane?! No, you are not just like everyone else you perceive to be two-dimensional. That isn't even possible! You cannot rationalize or justify moderation of any substance or beingness for a lone spitfire assassin. Deal with it and move on to something more profitable.

You're welcome. 

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