by David Ackley
Owing to an unprecedented surplus of self-composed literary materials in my possession, along with a congenital inability to choose the publication deserving of these MAJOR WORKS OF LITERARY GENIUS, I and my colleagues here at Ackley Central are holding a ONE-TIME ONLY CONTEST to allow deserving literary magazines with little experience of MAJOR WORKS OF LITERARY GENIUS to compete for the honor of publishing these EXCEPTIONAL VALUES and the instant OPPORTUNITY to ELEVATE their publications and the nonentities they normally feature with the company of work by FUTURE NOBEL LOCK... well... me.
FIRST PRIZE-
First time temporary rights of publication( Not to include ancillary rights to Movie, Paperback, or indeed anything other than momentary showing of the work chosen during the one week of exclusive publication following which all rights including archival revert to the author.)to one of the following selections from my (unpublished) works:
MY LIFE AND LOVES (rewrite) 1867, 2011
“Lady with a Pit Bull” (No apologies to Chekhov),1996
ON THE MERRITT PARKWAY, 1953 ( The one that showed Kerouac the road.)
“Bartleby the Microserf”, Late last week.
SECOND PRIZE
One day publication rights to a work of my choosing from the slush pile of stories rejected by such first rank magazines as The New Yorker, The Paris Review and The Atlantic: A rare chance to place your magazine, if only in sharp contrast, among your betters.
THIRD PRIZE
A brief interview with me, which will then allow you to FEATURE my name in BIG LETTERS on the cover.
Contest Rules:
Only magazines with no experience of publishing MAJOR WORKS etc. may participate.
$10. Entry fee--non-refundable. (Use our handy submissions manager and Paypal with the link below.)
A ten page letter accompanying your entry fee which details the REWARDS you expect TO reap from PUBLISHing MY WORK.
Entry Deadline: Dec. 24, 2011.
Prize winners and list of 75 Honorable Mentions to be announced Dec. 25, 2011.
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This is hilarious. I love the randome USE of caps throughout. Love that MY LIFE AND LOVES is a rewrite, heh. *
RANDOM? Like hell,placement OF every one of those CAPS required oh seconds of deep thought.
Thanks, Kathy, you're THE BEST!
David, I got a huge KICK out of this. Love the combination of swagger and desperation.
clever, lovable metafiction. i laughed nervously throughout. this was as readable as M.A.S.H. was watchable. i bet you could make money selling tickets to the prize ceremony.
Working on my ten-page letter, David. The hard part will be whittling it down to ten pages.
*
"accompagnying"
You'll have to fight me on that "Nobel Lock" business. I've been bribing Norwegians for a decade for just that reason. I just hope they're the right Norwegians.
fave for chutzpah
Marcus, thanks, and also for an additional way to squeeze money from this project: selling tickets to the ceremony, I'm having them printed even as we speak.
Thanks, Bill I was hoping someone would tell me how to spell that word.
PS don't forget the entry fee with that letter....
The phrase is all yours, James, (for a fee of course, everything being like they say "fungible.")
Oh my! What a boon for editors and publishers everywhere! Feverishly brainstorming the perfect ten page letter as I type this. Yippee!!!*
yep, fave!
Oh, you forgot to add the word "Hurry" before the send $10, like they did during the Depression. Worked for them!
Excellent.
Thanks, Joani( for you, I'm waiving the fee, but Don't let it get around.)
Thanks, Jerry: like your idea but didn't want to sound crass( ha!)
Thanks, Sam.
Thank you for this, David. *
Thanks, Bobbi, glad you liked it.
I laughed.
The highest compliment, Frankie, thanks indeed.
Good luck. *
Quite funny, David!
Thanks, Jack: as they say, "Luck is the residue of design."
Oops, startled me there, Christian, but thanks indeed ...
Aaaahahahah!
*
I can surely relate *
I'm guessing you liked it, Matthew, for which my sincere thanks( insofar as I can attain sincerity.)
As for you, Larry, thanks much for relating.
Can I star in "Lady with a Pitbull"? My agent will call you. Very funny, David - love it all. & Sigh, sounds all too familiar.
My agent will talk to your agent, Shelagh; we'll do lunch, but the role is yours.
Glad you liked this, it was fun to write.
Agreed. Needs no explanation. I particularly relished the "Microserf." *
Thanks, Beate, glad you liked this.
Nice turning of tables here, David! Cleverly done.
Thanks very much, Susan, yes there are a few tables needing overturning in this business.
Ahahaha. "PUBLISHing MY WORK" "Bartleby the Microserf" Just great stuff and what Susan G said.