Dear Mr. Sorrentino

by Chris Okum

Thank you for you interest in the available position with our firm. After not much consideration we have decided to say thank you but no thank you. Yes, your resume evidences much experience in the field, but, frankly, we have no interest in hiring a middle-aged man, especially not right now, when there are a plethora of malleable college graduates willing to work for half of your salary and without comprehensive health benefits. We understand that you have a family to support, but we can look past that as your family is not our family, and, as such, of absolutely no concern to us. We wish you luck in your future endeavors, and when we say luck, we really mean it, man, because it is very unlikely that any firm will hire you, thus forcing you to obtain employment not only beneath your education and experience (and, hey, let's be honest, your most likely over-inflated sense of self-worth), but also fairly humiliating in that it will probably require a modicum of physical labor and pay not nearly enough when you consider the amount of energy (both literal and figurative) you will have to expend on a daily basis. Should you be so lucky to even get a job like this right now (especially when you consider that the economy - no matter what the talking heads tell you - is in the toilet), we can't imagine you will last very long, precipitating not only an existential crisis, but a familial one as well. We also can't imagine that your wife and kids will be very happy with you. We know we wouldn't be very happy with our husband and father if he failed to live up to his promise to take care of us. As a matter of fact, if we were your wife we would probably leave you and try and find someone else, because, when you think about it, right now, as far as single women are concerned (and we're going to assume - based on your zip code [full disclosure: some of us live in the same neighborhood as you and some of us even refer to it as Leggingsville when we want to inject some levity into the conversations we have about ourselves, most of which, to be honest with you, are not that self-reflective] that your wife has kept herself in fairly good shape), it's a seller's market (there are just way too many men out there like yourself, i.e., lazy, shiftless, and unwilling to make the necessary sacrifices to maintain a cohesive family unit), and we would bet anything that were your wife to leave you she would probably find someone making double your salary within a month or two (and let's be honest here, your children aren't really going to miss you [they may later in life, but only towards the end, and only in the crassest, most sentimental sense], especially not if your wife finds someone who can provide them with all the material goods they desire, which, in our experience, is all children really care about, at least from the ages of 5 to 25). However, should your wife, clinging to the perverse code of honor known as the marital contract, decide to stick it out and go down with the ship, you can expect to be living outdoors in no time flat ("living outdoors" being a euphemism for homelessness we learned while listening [with our tongues firmly planted in our cheeks] to the collected works of high-energy blues-boogie rocker George Thorogood), which is, no doubt, every family's ultimate nightmare. On the bright side, however, an extended bout of homelessness can build an incredible amount of character in children (but not adults. Being homeless will most likely drive you and your wife towards ceaseless addiction, spousal abuse, petty crime, various types of Hepatitis, chronic schizophrenia, etc.), thus preparing them for the coming war of all against all. All that being said, we will certainly keep you in mind should any other positions become available (but not really).