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Battle of the Planets


by Chris Okum


Attack of the Space Terrapin

Maria Conchita Alonso, says, Oh, look, there's another Peter Maranello. She says, And get this, I used to know another Peter Maranello. She says, Such a nice guy, and, He was really cute, and, He rode a motorcycle. Peter Maranello, 19 years old, a resident of Tarzana, California, died from a severe head injury sustained in a motorcycle accident. Maria says, They put Peter on life support, but then his family decided to pull the plug. Maria says, I visited Peter at the Valley Presbytarian hospital and there were tubes everywhere and Peter wasn't wearing a shirt and I thought Peter had a tattoo over his heart but the Peter I was looking at didn't have a tattoo over his heart and I wondered if I was in the wrong room and I was! Peter Maranello, 19 years old, a resident of Woodland Hills, California, died from a severe head injury sustained in a motorcycle accident. Maria Conchita Alonso says, There were two Peter Maranellos, and, Now there are three, and, No, wait, now there are four, and, Isn't that crazy.

Rescue of the Astronauts

Jim Brown says, What? Jim Brown says, First they wanted me to quit painkillers; then they wanted me to quit booze and weed; then cocaine and crack; and now they want me to give up white women and I say, No way, and, This is where I draw the line. Jim Brown says, I'm done with white women? Jim Brown says, What?

The Space Mummy

Albert Einstein and his son go to Coney Island. Son says, Punish me. Albert says, Sit down, put on your seatbelt, let's be safe for Christ's sake. Son says, I want you to punish me. Albert says, For what? Son says, For everything. Albert says, Fine, let's leave, I want to go home, I'm tired, and I'm hungry. Son says, So have a corndog. Albert says, What, and put that shit into my body? Son says, You're a war criminal, what do you care? Albert says, What did you just call me? Son says, Domo arigato, Dr. Einstein. Albert slaps his son. Son says, Harder. Albert says, Shut up! Son says, Harder! Albert says, I said shut up! Son says, Harder! Albert says, You are the son of Lucifer, and, In the name of God.
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