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THE REALLY BIG BLOW-UP THINGEE THAT WAS ALSO SCARY by F. W. Dixon (Hardy Boys Mystery #6,721)


by Smiley McGrouchpants


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                                       CHAPTER ONE

                                       Frank and Joe had to take a piss.  They ran to the trough, and whipped their dicks out.  They were pissing before you knew it.
                                       "Ahh," Frank said, relieved.
                                       "Like a fuckin' racehorse!" Joe seconded.
                                       Then, there was a REALLY LOUD knock at the door!

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                                       CHAPTER TWO

                                       But it was only their friend, Biff.  He, too, really had to piss, and bounded over, flopped his pecker out, and proceeded to "drain the lizard."
                                       "Ahh!" Biff said, as the urine flowed out of him.
                                       Then, a FREAKIN' ROCK smashed through the window, and landed on the floor!

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                                       CHAPTER THREE

                                       "What is it?" Frank said, turning to face the rock, and pissing on Biff, who frowned in dismay.
                                       "It looks like there's a note attached!" Joe said, as he turned to look at the rock, and pissed on Biff from the other side.  Biff frowned some more.
                                       "What's it say—"

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CUT TO: '80s "Hipster Den" scene

                                       Pringles Palmolive bounded into the room triumphantly, a rolled-up newspaper clutched in his hand.  He slammed it onto the cheap formica table, nearly spilling all the General Mills™ products placed there, in his excitement.
                                       "Check it out: the latest Hi & Lois," he said, pointing to his seated friend, as if daring him.
                                       "Dude," Calgon Colgate replied, his mouth full of Lucky Charms™ (with extra spoonfuls of sugar added) and milk, "everybody knows Hagar the Horrible is 'cutting edge.'"
                                       Annoyed at this distraction, the boy resumes his reading.

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                                       "What's it say, Joe?" Frank said, curious, and done pissing.  He zipped his fly.
                                       Joe gasped.
                                       "YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE TOMORROW!"

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                                       CHAPTER FOUR

                                       "Well, that's—"

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CUT TO: '80s "Hipster Den"

                                       "—how many times do I have to tell ya?  HowmanytimesdoIhavetotellya?  Huh?"  Pringles Palmolive grinned, his face a half-glazed mask of superiority, a rictus of frozen insincere gloating.  "Hi & Lois is what people will be digging up and reading twenty years from now.  MARK, MY, WORDS!"
                                       More annoyed, and more distracted, the boy in the corner on the other side of the room marshals the effort to restore his concentration, and resumes reading.

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                                       CHAPTER FOUR

                                       "Well, that's not good, is it?"

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CUT TO: '80s "Hipster Den"

                                        The screen door bangs shut.  Pringles Palmolive and Calgon ("Crisco") Colgate have gotten into another one of their pointless, hair-trigger-temper, smacking-each-other-around-with-no-fighter's-follow-through spats, and are arbitrarily smacking each other around in the crabgrass-and-dirt-patch "lawn" area in the back of the house.
                                       None of their mothers are home.
                                       Giving up on his book, the boy walks over the kitchen table, and picks up the abandoned newspaper section, folded to the funnies.  He skips whatever it was they were arguing about and looks for something different.

                                       "There goes Johnson again ... trying to win support for his 'little bang' theory."

                                       The one-panel comic depicted a couple of taller scientists in the foreground wearing white lab-coats, while a couple of scientists in the background discussed something, one of whom was quite short.
                                       "Oh — 'little bang' theory, I get it," the boy half-thinks-without-articulating, and laughs.  "I like this Gary Larson's The Far Side."
                                       He goes up to his room, shuts his door, and starts doing his math homework.

                                       THE END


                for Bryan Charles, fellow "corners brightener"

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