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Chuck Shepherd's Peer Needs to Get a Job


by Smiley McGrouchpants


from The Portland Merchantry ("NEWS • ENTERTAINMENT • UTTER BULLSHIT") — 07/14/96
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Hey, F----t:

I'm a 26-year-old straight female.  I've been married to my husband for only a few months, but we fell in love fast.  He is a caring person, and I want to make this last.  However, I don't want to hug or kiss him.  It has nothing to do with his looks he's AN ADONIS but rather with the fact that I am broken-willed and need to have the living shit pounded out of me to even feel anything.  He is GGG and tries, but he is just too cowardly.  My last husband used to beat me like a piñata, and I've lost the ability to experience more "subtle" forms of stimulation.

I talked to my awe-inspiring GGG husband, and he agreed without any consideration whatsoever to have a menage à trois with my ex.  I haven't talked to last year's husband, but I'm sure he likes to fuck me.  This proposed sexual triumvirate would allow my since-discarded husband to get a "free" fuck, which I know would be a pleasant way for him to pass the time; I would get the sort of rampant physical savagery I need to get off at all; and my "hot-off-the-presses" husband would get a "lesson" in how to squeeze the already-used lemon-rind of a wife he has, just to get to get some kisses and hugs and solace.

But:

(1.)  Am I being a greedy, soul-sucking cunt?
(2.)  Is it a bad sign that I all but cringe when I'm near my new husband, since I've wound up "like a dog that's been beat too much"?  [to quote Bruce Sprinsteen]
(3.)  Validate me!


(Signed,)
Not Suffering as Much as I Would "Like"
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EDITOR'S NOTE:  You know, the funny thing is the self-described [or, more like, "self-trumpted"] "gay" male advice columnist responded by saying this letter made him so "hot" that he had to go and lay down for half a day just to calm down.

Curious, that.

What ever could it mean?

Maybe:
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(a.)  He's not really gay?
(b.)  He actually hates women?
(c.)  He gets off on perpetuating abusive relationships?
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Y'know, personally, I think we should consult the "good book" for help here [or, more like, a good book, in this case, Brady Udall's Letting Loose the Hounds:]
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"I'll tell you one thing about cows: they are dumb-asses.  In fact, they're so dumb, it's actually hard to tell how stupid they really are."

[from "He Gets Deeply and Famously Drunk"]
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MORAL:  Much as this might seem a cruel thing to say about cows [admittedly, the narrator is sort of a wise-ass; but, it is easy to picture him, as a cowhand, hopping up and down in front of a cow, trying to get it to move, and having the cow just stare at him for a few minutes, before going "MOOOO" and not moving, so who knows . . . ], the important point is: you can't always tell what the fuck people are thinking even if the "evidence" is right in front of you  [see the Coen Brother's Burn After Reading for a thoroughgoing demonstration of this principle  in action, as it were].

As such, the correct answer to the above question must necessarily be:
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(d.)  It is not possible to tell from the information provided.
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And you know what?  I don't want to know . . . how to know . . . what he means by: "this letter made this gay male hot!"


Thanks!
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