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At Last — My Dream Come True!


by Smiley McGrouchpants


               President Bob Barker addressed the nation: "Now, I know these are hard times.  The sort of times that try men's souls." (standing ovation.)
               He stepped down from the podium.
               "Bob!  BOB!"  Some fiftysomething woman with a small dog in her arms was waiting for him, backstage.  Security hadn't succeeded in restraining her.  Strange.
               "I just wanted to say . . . "  She flushed, overcome with emotion and suddenly unable to speak.  " . . . thah-thah-that when — "
               "Nice meeting you."  He grabbed her hand and shook it, like she was a Texas longshoreman.  She almost dropped the dog.  Fuck it.  "I'm glad you're supporting me and this country — " (his delivery was as practiced canned and spit-polish perfect as when he'd introduce the price of a can of tuna on The Price is Right during the tape-recorded Reagan '80s days) " — but I really must be on my way."
               He shrugged, pitiless, but somehow made it seem semitragic — the inevitable call of duty, following him everywhere, with a halo-like glow.
               "Oh — oh!" she said, starting to gather herself, but he was hustled off by his handlers, and didn't catch the rest.

                                                                     THE END

Vanna White: "And now, cleavage but no nipples, you can't have me or the dress, and I'm vacuous from — "

(end reel; screen blazing white)
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