streetcar under (de)construction

She walks unsteadily into the bathroom, and the moth follows her.  Baby, she whimpers, why do you have bugs in your house?  I reach out my hand, crush it in my palm, now we don't, I say.  She's close to me now and she smells like a whorehouse;  beyond cheap perfume and sweat, beyond desperation.  It's sour and clings to her like dust.  Help unzip me, she says.  I take hold of the zipper but the dress tears at the shoulder, the lace practically dissolving.  Careful, she says, unfazed, it's my last good dress.  Steam rises up from the water, and I turn off the tap.  I leave without saying another word.

Stanley is gone, the whiskey bottle is empty.  I'm alone in the kitchen. I'm so glad I got away.  I'm so glad I escaped the ghosts of that house, and the nightmare of those summer nights underneath the magnolias. Mama was always up in her room, sequestered and protected by the servants, doing God knows what.  And on Saturdays, young men in linen trousers  lined up to drink papa's bourbon, and get close to Blanche; flowers in her hair, eyes unfocused,  why yes I'd like another drink  you silly goose.

Later, I'd watch her slink off towards the barn with Philip or James or the captain's son.  She'd return just as the sun was coming up.  I'd ask, do you know what you're doing. It's not as if she was stupid. When I got older, I just wanted to get as far away as possible.  I knew it was a dying world. By then Blanche was married to a man who would soon die of mysterious complications.  Mama couldn't see me off because she had a sick headache. After all, I was just Stella, not brilliant, not beautiful, not even interesting enough to be missed.  I got a a job as a waitress in the French Quarter, met Stanley one night in July.  I don't  need the past or the future.

She is shocked by New Orleans because it is dirty, chaotic, but it is also alive.  Belle Reve is dead.  I don't know if she'll be able to tell the difference.  I can't bring myself to care anymore. The bathroom door opens and she makes her entrance wearing only a thin ivory chemise. Her breasts seem weighted. Careful Blanche, I say, Stanley will be back at any minute.  She ignores this.  Sits down at the kitchen table, says, there's no point in having servants in a two room apartment.    I put my hand over hers, I know Blanche. 

I still would like to kill her. When you are so thoroughly engaged in destruction, you shouldn't fall apart when your work is done.  I could respect her if she brought her own whiskey and said, I'm a dumb stupid whore, and I've lost everything that ever belonged to us, and now I have nothing.  Instead, she walks around as if she is hallucinating.  As if she is still the mythical beauty of Belle Reve, instead of a moth trapped in the bright light of a single light bulb.  She puts her head down on the table. I run my fingers through her hair.  I can't help it, I still love her.  Just then, Stanley opens the door, puts the bottle down on the table, asks, do we have any ice?



(4)

The Good dream

In that small two room apartment we could smell every inch of each other's bodies;  Stella's unborn child, Stanley's breathing, the things they whispered to each other at night.  I thought they were both gone for the day.  I thought  I had the apartment to myself.  I poured a whiskey and opened the windows, musicians played on the street below.  I ran myself a bath.  I lit a cigarette.  I took off my clothes.
 
It was a Saturday afternoon.  I might've been dancing.  I might've been touching myself.  I am a woman after all, and it was hard to get him out of my head.  Even though he hated me.  Once when we were alone, he said, “You'd be attractive if you washed your face.”  So I was naked when he walked through the door.

“You're supposed to be out,” I said, but I didn't make a move to cover myself.  I might've been wearing mama's pearls, I might've been wearing white kid boots, lace gloves, diamond earrings.  I might've been wearing stockings.  I knew I looked good in that light, late afternoon, almost golden.  I avoided the morning light, most unforgiving. 

"You're supposed to be out," I repeated, the ice melting in my drink, a fly buzzing against the screen window. 

I suddenly remembered the moth that followed me up the stairs my first night here, three months ago.  It was a sign, an omen.  I didn't see it then, but it became very clear to me as I stood naked in the kitchen, Stanley barely three feet from me.  I saw the dark hair that covered his arms and his hands, a pelt. 

“If you were a gentleman,” I finally said, “you'd walk back out the door and give me five minutes to get decent.”

“Blanche,” he replied, “you couldn't do that in five years, never mind five minutes.”   

“You want a whiskey,” I asked.

“Sure baby.”

“Come and sit down,” I said, pulling out a chair, “you're making me nervous, standing in the doorway like that.”

“No,” he replied, “I like it here.”

“Aren't you going to tell me to get dressed?”

“You are dressed, Blanche, you're dressed as I always pictured you.” 

My heart twisted, ripped right in half.  But I didn't stop.  I don't remember trying.  I brought him the whiskey, and he put his hand up inside of me, said,

“Is this what happens in the stories you teach, weren't you a teacher, Blanche?  Didn't you instruct young minds, high school, was it? I was never much good in school myself, got into fights, pissed on the bathroom walls, chased girls, but you--- you taught literature, isn't that right,” his voice was gentle, teasing, “is this what happens in those stories, Blanche,” now he was whispering, tickling my ear, “a crazy woman dances naked around her sister's kitchen, drinking whiskey at three in the afternoon," he pulled me closer, I opened my legs wider, "looking for love," he continued, "but only finding heartbreak.  Isn't that who you are Blanche, isn't that your character?  Is that what you teach, or is that what you are? Tell the truth, Blanche, teach me something, do you like being fucked in your sister's kitchen?”

Then he brought his hand, the one that had been inside me, up to his mouth, and sucked on his fingers one by one.  He took the whiskey from me, drank it down, walked into the bedroom, and closed the door. I stripped off my jewelry, unhooked my stockings, and went into the bathroom. I lowered myself into the cool water, closed my eyes, and dreamt I was back at Belle Reve. 



(5)

601 Bourbon Street

Esteemed members of the academy, why would Blanche let Stanley finger fuck her in the kitchen in the middle of the day?  I asked for brains.  We know she's sexy.  We know she's damaged. We know that story. We know how it ends. There is no surprise, no third act twist.  Isn't there any way to maintain her integrity,  and have her survive?  At the rate she's going, in the narrative you're proposing, she'll still end up in handcuffs at the end of the day.  The white coats will be triumphant.  In the immortal words of someone, this isn't going to end well.  And isn't that the point of all this?