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Representation


by Chris Okum


I pick my nose like Paul Newman. I smile like Kris Kristofferson. I drink coffee like Alain Delon. I run like Tom Cruise. I dream like Marcello Mastroianni. I scream like Willem Dafoe. I masturbate like Harvey Keitel. I laugh like Ray Liotta. I cry like Nick Nolte. I stare like James Spader. I cut my steak like Lee Marvin. I dance like Aidan Quinn. I brush my teeth like Maurice Chevalier. I wield a hammer like Rip Torn. I piss like James Dean. I hold a cigar like Joseph Bologna. I applaud like William Devane. I bat my eyelashes like Warren Beatty. I spit like Mickey Rourke. I drive like Gene Hackman. I ride a bike like Kevin Costner. I cough like Val Kilmer. I eat pussy like Michael Douglas. I suck cock like Bob Balaban. I hang by my fingertips like Donald Sutherland. I twitch like Warren Oates. I wash my hair like Richard Gere. I smirk like Bruce Willis. I go down stairs like Al Pacino. I smoke like Roy Scheider. I scratch my neck like Matt Dillon. I play the piano like Dudley Moore. I throw a baseball like Dermot Mulroney. I shave like Vincent Lindon. I act surprised like Ken Ogata. I come to a complete stop like Harrison Ford. I look like I've just seen a ghost like Henry Fonda. I hold a sandwich like Robert DeNiro. I chew gum like Jon Voight. I land on the roofs of cars like John Savage. I yawn like Sylvester Stallone. I walk with my pants down around my ankles like Steve Martin. I jump rope like Matthew Modine. I hold a knife to my throat like Robert Downey, Jr. I crack open a can of beer like Randy Quaid. I light a cigarette like Nicolas Cage. I sneeze like Ralph Fiennes. I act disappointed in myself like Sterling Hayden. I over-enunciate like Maximilian Schell. I surf like Gary Busey. I take out the trash like William L. Petersen. I pick plums like Lou Ferrigno. I cross my legs like Jeremy Irons. I stand still like William Hurt. I push a shopping cart like Peter Riegert. I vomit like Peter Falk. I narrate like Peter Coyote. I rack billiard balls like George C. Scott. I hang like David Keith. I bleed like Jeff Daniels. I trip and fall like William Holden. I bite my nails like Jack Lemmon. I grow stubble like Dan Hedaya. I swim like Burt Lancaster. I hold a baby like Martin Sheen. 
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