Battle of the Planets, Part IV

by Chris Okum

A Swarm of Robot Ants

You know, I love wearing bikinis. You know, I love wearing skimpy clothes. They're really fun to wear. Sometimes you want to cover up a little bit. And I mean, 'a little bit.' Check these out. I love how it, like, sheer, but its not completely see-through. I mean, it is see-through, but you know what I mean. It's just not completely sheer with the pattern. I love the pattern in these. It, like, holds everything in place. And it lets it, kind of, move really nice. I'm kind of torn here. What do I call these? I kind of hate the word 'pantyhose.' I mean, pantyhose, it's like, do you not wear underwear while you have pantyhose? Do you call them tights? Or stockings, but usually when I think of stockings I think of something that is held up with a garter belt. So I don't know. What do we call these? Tights. Probably just tights. That makes me think of what, like, I don't know, little girls wear. To church. So I don't know what to call these. They're not leggings. Most definitely not leggings. They're, like, I guess we have to call them, like, tights stockings-pantyhose-something. I need to get more of these. This one's a little bit ripped. But I love how the lines? Go around? All the curves? Like it brings out the shape really nicely. And it's kind of like the way that leggings make everything nice and round. These kind of do the same thing. These have been really fun. I love how it makes everything look. When it moves. It's almost like in a solid color you might have a hard time seeing how everything moves, but because of the patterns, because of the lines, it makes it really stand out, so you can really see if anything jiggles. Which is nice. I hear that cheerleaders, like professional cheerleaders, aren't really allowed to jiggle, which kind of sucks, because that means they have to have, like, actually rock hard bodies to not jiggle. So that was kind of an unrealistic expectation. I like jiggling, and I've spent enough of my life being a little bit too skinny that I'm really happy to embrace the jiggle. So these tights-stockings-leggings-pantyhose-whatever you want to call them, I think they are really good for the jiggle. And it's fun to wear them. I love this pattern. I need to find some more pattern things to wear. I like them. But you know, really, this is the only pair that I have like this. I've got one pair of, like, fishnet stockings, so I need to get some more stockings. I need to get more tights and pantyhose.

Space Rocket Escort

Denny hates making lefts and he hates making rights. Neither direction suits his internal compass. He wants to go in the direction that feels right to him. Therefore he'd rather not have to turn at all. And so he does not turn. When Denny drives he drives straight through. From point A to point B as quickly as possible. Some people find that his penchant for creating damage is not in keeping with the mood of civility that is supposed to permeate our day-to-day actions. Whenever someone points out to Denny that by driving straight through, by not going left or right, that he is making society a more dangerous place, Denny always responds by asking the person in question to think about the things they do that make society a more dangerous place. Denny says, I'm almost one-hundred percent positive that you do something that does not conform with the rules and regulations, which are totally arbitrary by the way. Denny says, Everything is arbitrary, including these words I'm using. Denny says, I am thinking about using my own language. Denny says, My need to be free overrides my need to be understood. There are some things, Denny says, more important than coherence. When pressed on this issue Denny has been known to go silent, or, better yet, to retract every single word has said. Denny's favorite three words are 'I'm,' 'just,' and 'kidding.'

Beast with a Sweet Tooth

Jack is a quitter. Just ask his first wife, the one Jack's second wife doesn't know about. Her name was Barbara and she was married to Jack from 1946 to 1949. This is what Barbara has to say about Jack: "I don't care how successful he is. At his core he's spineless. He's and weak. And apparently very, very lucky. Maybe that's why people like him, because they feel sorry for him. That's Jack's appeal. But it doesn't appeal to me. I like real men. I like men who keep their feelings to themselves. I like big men with big hands. And I had no idea just how much I liked these things until I married Jack. He was the one who showed me what I wanted and what I wanted was someone who was not Jack. So I left him. And I did it the wrong way. I didn't say good-bye. That was wrong of me. I acknowledge that. It was mean, what I did. I just left. I took all my stuff, all my furniture, and I left in the middle of the day while he was at work. Because how could I explain all this to him? He would have threatened to kill himself. I'm telling you. I know Jack. I know the real Jack, and the real Jack would have threatened to kill himself if I told him I was leaving him. Would he have done it? I don't know, but I know for sure that he would have said he was going to do it. Because everything was always too much for him. He was constantly overwhelmed by the facts of life and I did not find that attractive. At all. At first I thought it was cute. I used to like cute men. I thought they were sweet. And they are sweet. They take you out to lunch and to the movies and they're nice and you laugh and you smile and there's nothing wrong with that but I still need so much more and Jack did not have any more to him than that. He was a wimp. A sap. Other men pushed him around. I saw it. I saw another man push Jack to the ground. Was there a bit of slapstick involved, at least on Jack's part? Yes, but the man was angry and he did put his hands on Jack. I was standing right there. I saw the whole thing. I saw the man push Jack and I saw Jack fall to the ground. I didn't do anything. I just stood there. I didn't know what to do. What do you do? Another man has pushed your husband to the ground and your husband is on the ground and it looks like he's going to cry. How can you be married to a man like that? You can't. That's why he doesn't talk about me. He wants to forget that I ever existed and I totally understand. If I was him I wouldn't want to hear the things I'm saying right now. Because they're true. He would have a hard time with this and I'm sorry if there are so many people out there who love him, but I love him too. I was married to him. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't love him. And he loved me. That's why I had to disappear. I did the right thing but I did it in the wrong kind of way. Not that Jack ever tried to find me. He didn't. And I knew he wouldn't. Because Jack is a quitter."